Why should endangered animals have rights? They’re animals. I was sitting around and decided to piss off some animal rights people, because I take pleasure in pissing off those I despise. So, being the asshole I am, I go out of my way and find a chat room. I hate chat rooms. Nothing but greasy old perverts who think they are better than me. We’ll see who’s better when I rip out your eyes and shove them down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you. Moe Syzlak style. Anyway, some people seem to think endangered animals ought to have rights. Why? Because they can’t defend themselves? If they were meant to be on earth, they’d be able to defend themselves from humans. But they just sit around and eat and get shot by poachers. They obviously don’t want to live. Who do they think they are? Pandas are the like the rich white guy who walked into a ghetto and got shot for his fur. And those rhinos with their ivory horns. If they were so smart like all these animal rights people said, they’d develop a less expensive material for their horns. They take the risk, and they lose. Why do they deserve rights? Endangered animals are begging to be killed for human purposes. If you can’t cut it, get the fuck out.

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For some strange and idiotic reason, just about all my friends like to go to social gatherings. Whenever I’m with a friend and they suggest that we go to “a club” or “a dance” or “a mass necrophilic orgy”, I have the unsettling feeling that I’m going to involuntarily punch my friend in the throat. I can’t help but wonder why the hell anyone wants to go to a dance. My school has a good three or four dances each year, including a homecoming dance. For people my age, homecoming is just the cat’s pajamas. Everyone gets all excited about who they’re going with, what they’ll wear, what they’ll do prior to and after the dance besides walk around with their heads in their asses, etc. But why? It’s nothing but shit from beginning to end. Everyone gets dressed up in uncomfortable as fuck attire, picks up some slut they either barely know or know from another random bullshit party, gets all sweaty dancing to music that is comparable to listening to a cat getting tossed in a thresher, then goes out to an after party consisting of cheap booze, drugs, and subpar sexual action. I can do all of that without the lame dancing, shitty music and ugly as sin whores on my own. Why would I pay for a ticket to homecoming, plus a rental tuxedo and all that shit you buy before and after the dance when I can go out and do whatever the fuck I want, no strings attached? Screw that. MORE »

Women bitch a lot. There’s no doubt about it. No matter how perfect you think a woman might be, all of them have bitching programmed into their systems. I know it, you know it and they know it. If women didn’t bitch, they’d go crazy. Bitching must be to them what masturbating is to men, because they constantly do it, in public and private and seem to love doing it. Some women bitch more than others. Like ugly chicks. They complain about how fat and/or ugly they are and then they go and wear clothing that fat, ugly people shouldn’t be wearing. So when I throw a net on them and proclaim that I’ve caught Moby Dick or the elephant woman, they get pissy and bitch. If you can’t fit into the clothes you are wearing or look like a 50 year old whore in them, don’t wear them. You aren’t “sexy” you aren’t “cool” and you certainly aren’t gaining credibility. Damn, if aliens came and saw some of the chicks I know, they’d be like “Shit, what an atrocity. Let’s put this race out of it’s misery.” Stop flaunting what you don’t have, whore. MORE »

The internet sucks. It used to be an awesome way to distribute information and ideas, but that was long ago. Now the internet is used primarily for the production and distribution of porn. Now, most porn is good, but internet porn sucks. It’s normally a good looking girl getting naked, and just when you’re about to climax, there’s a guy’s ass or dick flopping around in your face. So you try to stop yourself, but before you know it you’re blowing your load to the guy’s naked Johnson. Admit it asshole. So the internet sucks because of aptly placed man porn. But that’s easily avoidable (unless you’re into that kind of thing you sick fuck).

Now enter the realm of the email inbox. When properly used, it can relay important information to the recipient. But it’s never used correctly, and thus my mailbox constantly filled with advertisements for Viagra, downloadable S&M videos, and dumbass chain letters. Those piss me off the most. I was sitting on the can, pinching off a four flush corn log, when I hear, “You’ve got mail,” from the speakers. So I walk over to the computer and see what I got. Justin had sent me a chain letter. I shat out the rest of my Charleston Cargo (the shit that stays lodged in your ass due to an exhausted sphincter) and thought, “Why did Justin send this?” I soon realized why. So without further ado, here are twelve things a good boyfriend would really do and the bullshit that the chain letter said. It’s formatted for easier reading. MORE »