When people want something, they’ll go and ask complete strangers for it if they want it bad enough. I have been asked numerous times to lend money, homework and urine samples by complete strangers. Normally it’s money that these people promise to pay back. But being the practicing Orthodox Jew that I am, I never give money away. In the past, however, I have let people copy homework, wear my clothes and eat my food. And in the end here’s what I got out of it: detention, the flu, body lice and hungry. What good came out of that? The satisfaction that I helped someone? Some warm, fuzzy feeling inside of me? Screw that. If there’s anything warm and fuzzy inside of me, it’s probably a carnivorous caterpillar that’s trying to eat my brain. Besides, what can I do with that shit? I can’t eat satisfaction. I can’t use the satisfaction of helping others to buy video games. I can’t even wipe my ass with it. What can I do with it? That’s right, nothing. MORE »

Fat people come in two different varieties: the hilarious kind, and the typical fat asshole kind. There is no middle ground, and there’s more of the latter than the former.

If you have a fat guy in your circle of friends, normally he’s the funny guy in your group. He’s the kind of guy who walks up to old people and spills hot coffee on them and uses the “Sorry, I’m too fat to walk” line to stay out of trouble. These are the kind of fat people that are impossible to hate. They go around, eat a ton of shit and make you pay for it but then go and do something so hilarious, like shit on someone’s lawn or con someone into giving them money for a heart or liver transplant that you forget how much you really hate them. This kind of fat person is a rare breed. They realize that they are fat and don’t try to do things fat people shouldn’t do like wear tight clothes or go out in public without a shirt. Everyone loves this kind of fat guy because he’s the easiest one to pick on and he doesn’t do anything about it until you’re alone or push him way too far. Then he waits for you to get too close, grabs your with his beefy hands and sits on your head and farts until you pass out. Nevertheless, this is the kind of fat person you can stand to be associated with. Hell, I have fat friends. They rule. We do all kinds of things like roll them down hills, use them as trampolines and poke them when they’re sitting down. They don’t do anything because they know they’re too fat and lazy to do anything about it. Hilarity ensues. MORE »

When I wrote the last article on the mammothly bad movie “The Forgotten” I was wary of saying that it was the worst movie I had seen all year. Any doubt was shattered over the same weekend, as I had my skull fucked by easily the worst movie of the year. Not only was the movie bad, but the theater it was in was reminiscent of a seedy ten cent porn theater. Seriously, there was an old guy there by himself watching this movie, which had nothing but a bunch of guys either in a locker room or in tight pants. I don’t know what I was thinking when I got talked into seeing this pile of grade-A horse shit. MORE »

I saw “The Forgotten” with my girlfriend, who happens to rule. We saw it and I didn’t really see most of it, so maybe that’s why I thought the move sucked. Wait, no. It just sucked. It was like getting your dick caught in your zipper a million times. In a vat of salt. This was supposed to be the number one movie in America. If I would have known that watching the number one movie in America was equivalent to zipping my pants on my dick, I would have done just that. Thriller my ass. The movie was less thrilling than a funeral. At least my girlfriend was awesome.

The movie starts out with this lady who has this dead son. Or so she thinks. She goes to a shrink and he tells her she needs to let her dead son go. She bitches and whines about it because she loves him or something. Then she goes home to her bald (and no doubt impotent) husband and he has gotten rid of all the pictures of her dead son. Or so it seems. The shrink goes to her house and tells her she never had a son and that she was crazy. Then there’s this guy in the park on the swings who is drunk. The crazy lady takes her husband’s car and goes and finds this guy. It turns out that this guy had a daughter who died with the crazy woman’s imaginary son on some plane and she tries to convince him that for some reason only they remembered. They go out on their merry way and try to find answers. Along the way, the chick partially undresses, the alcoholic dude she’s with bitch slaps some guy and then runs over someone in his car. That was fucking hilarious. This weird guy was standing in his way so he just plowed him over into a gas pump. I laughed my ass off. People looked at me like I was insane. So I summoned a volcano to scald everyone. Then I laughed some more. Then there was this part where a black lady shot that guy who got hit by the car, but it didn’t hurt him because he was like Jesus or something, and she disappeared from out of nowhere for some reason. Black people are always the first ones to die in any movie. MORE »