A retromodicom Review.

Not often do I see a great opportunity for a review. Even less often I see an opportunity for a good review. Being that in the past couple weeks I’ve been pummeled with more mediocre, shitty and overall terrible movies than you can shake a stick at (or the undoubtedly enormous Rigolega wang), I didn’t see one soon coming… until I busted out the old Play Station games. I came across a game called “Loaded”. I faintly remembered it, and thought I’d give it a go. First off, there are no stupid intros or cute stories. You pick how many players and what character you want. I immediately sprung wood when I noticed the pirate character, wielding a gnarly eye patch and enormous flintlocks (for all of you non-pirates, a flintlock is a kind of handgun used by the scurvy sailors, usually double barreled). The game starts. It’s an overhead view of you in a big room with several doors. The graphics are sub-par, for now. MORE »

A retromodicom Review

I really don’t think this needs any more introductions. Yet another dumbass chain letter followed by a totally implausible and idiotic follow up about making this a world record. Great job dick nose, you’ve managed to fool a few hundred dumb ass twelve year olds into passing along your half-assed chain letter. Stop being such a douche nozzle and get a life. (*Props to Patton Oswalt, from whom I borrowed “douche nozzle”.)

The Nancy boy Shit Response
The Hardcore Badass Rigolega Response

Why do boys fall in love with girls? Don’t break this forward
Why are all of you such brain dead assholes? I’m going to break your face with the business end of my boot.

Here are a few reasons why guys like girls:
Here are a few corrections to this sappy bullshit.

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
Bullshit. Girls always smell like My Little Pony took a My Little Diarrhea on them. Short of the few women who are sensible enough to not put on that shitty $300 perfume, most girls’ stench makes me suffocate. Until I spray my musk on them.

2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
Until their heads find the right spot on my crotch, I refuse to engage in this grab ass cutesy shit.

3. How cute they look when they sleep
Yeah. Real cute. You’re supposed to be making me a sandwich and doing my laundry and you’re sleeping? I’m not having that bullshit. Get out.

4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
Yeah, just enough so they can slip their hand into your pocket and grab your wallet. Sneaky bitches. Always pulling that cuddly shit before asking you to buy them something or to stop pummeling little kids.

5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
Yeah ass hat. All of a sudden this magical moment cures cancer and AIDS and leprosy and everyone rejoices and basks in the giggly warm fuzzy feeling of your dumb ass kiss. Pull your head out of your ass, no one except you cares about your grab ass games.

6. How cute they are when they eat
Uh huh. $100 out of my pocket for dinner is just adorable.

7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
Now this pisses me off. They get to take hours to get ready and end up with the grand result of having their hair a slightly different texture and a barely noticeable change in clothes. Yet when men are late to pick them up, all hell breaks loose. Fuck that.

8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
Bullshit. Every girl I know complains about how it’s always too cold. Or too hot. Warm-blooded my ass. They’re never happy.

9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
Oh of course. 200 lb. Pamela Plump-ass looks stunning in her extra small tube top. The cellulite hanging over her belt is a real knockout, too.

10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful thing on this earth
I hate this shit. It’s always the ones that are actually good looking that absolutely refuse to accept compliments, yet the ones that are ugly get all giggly and feel so high and mighty if you say anything even remotely complementary. Get your shit straight.

11. How cute they are when they argue
Bitch, bitch, bitch. Whine, whine, whine. We’ll see how cute it is when I kick you out of my car 30 miles from your house. I hate how women always need to win arguments, and even if they lose or are proven wrong, they insist they’re right. That’s just because (most) men won’t hit them. Yet they can hit us. If it was fair, then all arguments would end in a head butting. Case closed. Shut up.

12. The way her hand always finds yours
The way her hand always finds your package.

13. The way they smile
As they think about sleeping with one of your friends.

14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
Nauseous.

15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” even though you know that an hour later….
And this a reason why we like women? Like hell it is. I consider that sufficient reason to feed her to lions.

16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
Selfish whores. It’s like prostitution on a smaller scale.

17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you”
Yeah, so they don’t have to say it back because they’re just leading you on for your money.

18. Actually… just the way they kiss you…
Only if the kiss starts moving south. Or onto another girl.

19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
Right. Because life is a Soap Opera. How’s about I move my arms, huh?

20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
Like hell they do. If anything, they trick you into apologizing when you did nothing at all.

21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.
If they’re trying to hurt you, I think that’s a pretty clear invitation to sock ‘em.

22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don’t admit it)!
Or when their lip is too fat to say anything.

23. The way they say “I miss you”
More like “I miss your wallet.”

24. The way you miss them
Making you food. Or performing fellatio.

25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore….. Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them… it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
Yawn. Get a life.

This chain started in 2002. It is a love chain letter. In an hour you are supposed to send it to 25 people. Anyway, send it to 25 people in 1 hour. Now here comes the fun part. You then say the name of the person you like or love and then the person will say “I love you,” or “Will you go out with me?” NO JOKE!!!!!

NOW THE CONSEQUENCES

The consequences are: If you break the chain letter, you will have bad luck in future relationships. If you don’t break the chain, then you will be a happy camper!!!

How about if you send this to anyone, I rip off your head an shit down your throat. Courtesy of R. Lee Ermy.

CoNgRatULaTioNs!!

You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the Internet! Once you read, this letter you must IMMEDIATELY (meaning within the hour) be sent to 25 people After you send it, make a wish and it will come TRUE

YOU MAY NOT WAIT FOR A CERTAIN TIME TO SEND IT…….. REMEMBER, IT MUST BE SENT TO 25 PEOPLE WITHIN 1 HOUR, OR YOUR WISH WILL NOT COME TRUE! If THIS CHAIN LETTER IS CONTINUED UNTIL THE YEAR 2006, IT WILL BE PLACED IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS!

Yeah. Because you know how possible it is to track this piece of shit around. Pull your head out of your ass.

-Bitches argued that Rigolega is mean to women and totally wrong about them. They were subsequently head butted.

Here’s another movie that had potential and managed to suck. How can someone take something as awesome as H.G. Wells’ “War of the Worlds” and make it into an annoying, pointless and illogical sack of shit? H.G. Wells, the man whose tale scared the piss out of America when it was broadcast over the radio, causing people to go as far as killing themselves and their children out of fear of alien invasion, must be spinning in his grave.

This movie sucked especially for the following reasons: there were no tits and there were children in it. The fact that there were no tits can be excused for a moment because A) there were explosions and B) the women in the movie were obnoxiously ugly. But for no reason should there be children in any movie, let alone a movie about alien invasions and mass extermination of a race (which was illogical in the first place; more on that later). Seriously, in every scene, there was this little girl who screamed or cried or had a panic attack. It’s hard to concentrate on all the death and destruction going on in the movie when there’s a bitchy ten year old screaming every five seconds. Seriously, the day they stop using children in movies will be a great day indeed. They bring nothing to the table at all.

But the most important factor in the suckage of this potentially good movie is the sheer amount of illogical situations and events littered throughout the movie. For one, why did the aliens attack Earth, a planet that they “looked upon enviously” for years? What’s the point? They said something about feeding or something, but is it logical for these aliens to travel billions of light years and go way the fuck out of their way just to feed? No, it’s stupid. This movie makes the aliens look like dumbasses. Never mind their ability to travel between galaxies and their war machines that can deflect even the most powerful of human weaponry; they’ve molded their existence around feeding on human flesh. Bullshit. Then they show these huge tripods, capable of vaporizing humans with lightning strikes, kicking some ass. I thought the movie was going somewhere. Then the aliens turned into giant vaginas when Tom Cruise took an axe, one of the most simple machines known to humans, and ruined a tripod’s shit. Is it logical that these aliens can destroy humans and wipe out entire cities with ease, but can’t overcome a sneak attack by some dumbass with an axe? Then, as if the director couldn’t possibly insult your intelligence anymore, Tom Cruise completely destroys a tripod with a few grenades. So Tom Cruise can get caught by a tripod and destroy it completely by simply shoving a few grenades in an opening in the machine? What about all those rockets, missles, bullets and everything else launched at the tripods? You’re going to tell me that not one of these extremely powerful weapons could find a way to pierce an opening in the tripods? Boy, they must think that the general movie-going public is really stupid and wouldn’t catch this kind of stuff as long as there are good effects and a lot of explosions right? Oh wait…

Everyone who’s seen this movie agrees that the plot sucks and the basis of the movie is illogical, but they defend the movie by saying, “At least it had good effects,” or “da xplozins wer totaly rad omg usuck jk jk lol” and on and on. So the explosions were good, big deal. The effects didn’t suck my asshole, so what? Since when is the goal of a movie to impress the audience through loud explosions and unnecessary effects? Sure, the movie was good whenever the aliens were ruining shit, kicking asses and taking names. But because the reason they attacked and the solution to the attack were so illogical, that’s all the movie can brag about: the effects (particularly the explosions). Who, among those with even the smallest mental capacity to do things other than play in pig shit and have deep discussions on why every Star Wars movie didn’t suck because of the psychological struggles of the characters coupled with the graphics blah blah blah, goes to a movie just for effects?

I’ve decided, in my infinite wisdom, that seeing “War of the Worlds” is equivalent to listening to the soundtrack of a porno. It’s predictable, repetitive and pointless. Why would anyone want to listen to the soundtrack of a porno? It’s the same shit over and over: the guitar and wah, the occasional saxophone solo and the synthesizer playing the same four or five notes over and over. “War of the Worlds” is exactly the same: typical bug eyed aliens looking to destroy humans for no reason at all who are eventually outwitted by a regular guy with a mission to save something important to him followed by the demise of the aliens without a logical reason. They died of viruses. Bullshit. If they were able to come here millions of years ago and plant their ships for a later date, they would have been able to predict foreign diseases could and would play a role in their planning because they would have been in contact with the diseases. They can do everything they did, essentially showing how advanced they are compared to humans, but can’t predict a foreign disease having a devestating effect on them? No one is that stupid. Except maybe you for buying into the ending. Dumbass. So save yourself some money and don’t see “War of the Worlds”. Just download a porno, turn up the volume, minimize the screen and listen to the music. It’s the exact same experience.

-People agree: if you discard the notion of logic, good acting, decent script and rational ending, “War of the Worlds” wouldn’t be such a bad movie.