5 September 2005 - 0:00Apple and Best Buy finger grainy asshole.

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a chance and buy an iPod. I had discussed mp3 players with many of my friends who know about that shit, and they all recommended that I get anything BUT an iPod. Being the stubborn asshole I am, I pissed in the wind and bought an iPod. “All right,” I said to myself, “this isn’t so bad,” and went on my way. Ten days, 1200 songs and $400 later, I was content with this alleged “hunk of shit” as many called it. Just when I was about to get down on my knees and fellate the seemingly spectacular Apple wang for putting out such a superior item, I was confronted with a problem. Just as everyone had said would happen, my iPod broke. I had the thing for ten fucking days, and it was spent like a girl after a wild immigrant gang-bang.

Allow me to recollect what had happened the night it broke. I went out with a few people to go bowling and brought my iPod along. I had also purchased a little thing called the iTrip, which allows the music on the mp3 player to be transmitted onto the radio station of your choice. Once again, I figure it’s a sweet deal; I get to listen to the music I want while I drive to the discontentment of many who wouldn’t know Rigolega approved music if I branded it on their bitch asses. So I have it in my car’s glove box when it’s not being used. After a long night of kicking bowling’s ass, being an obnoxious asshole and kicking shit around, I get a ride to my car and discover that the LCD screen on the iPod is broken. I get pissed and drive home, vowing to get a refund from Best Buy or Apple for this yeasty vagina of a product.

I walk into Best Buy the next day and they say “You can’t get a refund, you dropped it.” Obviously, the Asian chick who was behind the refund counter’s logic is flawed and I say, as politely as possible, “If I don’t get a refund for this steaming pile of bat shit, I’m going to drop you like an ugly baby with palsy.” None too pleased with my comment, she says that neither Best Buy nor Apple will refund an iPod with a cracked LCD screen because it’s “Too much money.” They offer me my $50 Best Buy warranty money back and I disgracefully accept whatever money I can get back from these thieving bastards.

Perhaps you’re thinking “Well, it’s your fault it broke,” or “If Apple/Best Buy gave refunds for everything, they’d go out of business.” Go out of business my ass. What CEO or executive in Apple and Best Buy isn’t snorting coke out of a hooker’s asshole and lighting his cigars with hundred dollar bills as we speak? I’m here to tell you that there’s no excuse for why an Apple iPod should break under any other circumstance than through nuclear disasters.

First let’s start with Apple, grainy asshole fingerer number one. Apple creates different sized iPods that are not cheaply priced. The one I bought, a 20 gig, color screen model, cost me $300. For that price, I was expecting there to be a good stash of porno secretly stashed away somewhere on the thing or a hole to get my dick waxed and shined in at least. Disappointed that neither were present, I figured that it must be priced high because it is indestructible, hence the reason Rigolega would buy it. Alas, that is not the case either. Since the iPod broke whilst in my glove box, unadultered, I can only assume that Apple manufactures iPods made by pussies, for pussies. I didn’t know you could program an electronic to have toxic shock and break down in just ten days. Nonetheless, is it fair that Apple goes out and mass produces these giant gaping crotch gaps and doesn’t back up their product by blaming many, if not all, problems on the consumer? Whatever happened to the customer is always right? Better yet, whatever happened to taking pride in your work and not putting out a product that, if it were a woman, you wouldn’t fuck with a 90 foot stick yourself? God damn I hate Apple. First it was their shitty computers, then it was those shitty commercials with those dumbass multicolored monitors, now it’s shitty iPods that couldn’t do dick with a bottle of lube and a “How to fellate cock like a pro” handbook. If you’re going to charge a testicle to get people to buy these things, at least make them invulnerable to laying idle in a glove compartment.

When I asked Best Buy geek why the LCD screen cracked while it sat in my glove box, unadultered, in heat that could not have surpassed 75 degrees at anytime that night, she said, “Oh well we always get complaints about iPods. They break easy and need to be maintained well.” “Always break?” I say. “Then why do you sell them?” This was met, of course with a long pause followed by “Because they’re popular.” If I wanted to pay $300 for something that was both popular and sucked, it would have much bigger tits and call itself Candy. Since Best Buy doesn’t have a “high class hooker” department in their stores, why do they continue to sell these piles of suck? This, naturally, leads me to believe that Best Buy is the second fingerer of grainy asshole. Come to think of it, nothing I’ve ever bought there has ever been the “best buy” by any means. I’ve purchased music for cheaper and of higher quality at a small music store just down the block from the nearest Best Buy (Rolling Stones on Irving for all you suckasses in Chicago), cheaper video games of equal quality at second hand stores and have gotten blank CDs for dirt cheap from people who bought them and left them out in the open. I have to admit that when it comes to buying swanky ghetto rape in a box, no one gives better deals than Best Buy though. So that’s what you’re looking for, by all means shop at Best Buy.

Not only had I lost all of my waning respect for both Apple and Best Buy by this time, but the Asian girl behind the counter also got on my nerves. I recall that I was once going to put up a page that praised all the Asians I knew for ruling all over the place. Up to that point, I had never met anyone of Asian persuasion that I did not like. This ho-bag was snotty, rude and pug fugly. How dare she take an insulting tone with the great Rigolega? Now that I think about it, I should have set her ablaze with my sweet ass laser vision. That would have been tits. I imagine it would have looked something like this:

Just look at that. That is the portrait of sheer greatness. If it were a woman, you’d have to diamond-coat your dick to fuck it.

All seriousness aside, don’t buy Apple products. If not for the shitty performance of the pile of shit that is the iPod, then simply on the basis that their customer service sucks and their products are less user friendly than a sado-masochist on her period. Also, don’t buy anything from Best Buy, ever, because all they sell is rape in a box and regardless of what they say, that’s not only bad form, but illegal. The next time you go into Best Buy, just take a shit on the customer service desk and demand a refund. Maybe if it doesn’t have a cracked screen, Best Buy will recognize it for what it is: another shitty product doled out by a shitty electronics company and distributed by a suck shack like Best Buy.

-People have taken shits in boxes and gotten refunds at Best Buy.