They say there’s beauty inside of everyone. I’m here to say that it’s just not true. Often times people are just as ugly on the inside as they are on the outside. If you’re single and desperate, this probably describes you.

All too often, there will be unattractive people who are either married or dating or just straight up fucking. If you’re ugly and aren’t one of these people, you’re probably asking yourself, “How come I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse?” The answer can’t simply be you’re ugly, because there are some sea camels out there that are getting the shit fucked out of them by decent looking people. No, the answer is everyone knows you’re single and everyone knows you’re desperate. The fact that you’re desperate can be scented by both men and women, and it smells like a gallon of milk that’s been sitting behind a radiator.

Let’s begin at the top. If you’re single and desperate, it’s probably because you are ugly, unattractive, unsavory, morbidly obese and/or not easy on the eyes. Pick your poison. The point I’m trying to make is you’re probably not getting with anyone because you’re downright ugly. As unpoetic as it sounds, looks play a huge role in determining who fucks whom and who gets with whom. Stop saying you’d rather be with a nice, unattractive guy instead of a prick who’s good looking. It’s bullshit and everyone knows it. This goes without saying for guys because we all know we aren’t going to be porking any lepers and don’t say otherwise. It’s impossible to want to fuck, let alone spend your life with, someone you aren’t attracted to in the first place.

This, of course, brings up all kinds of arguments as to what good-looking is. That’s up to you, asshole. I’m not going to tell you who’s attractive and who’s a cow. I’m smarter than that. But regardless, if you’re single and desperate, it’s because everyone you come in contact with doesn’t find you attractive. It doesn’t mean no one finds you attractive, just the people who have come in contact with you. Go out and meet new people. Maybe you’ll find one who doesn’t cringe at the sight of you.

How do you remedy your grotesquely flawed features? There are some things that just can’t be fixed, but the things you can fix, fix. If you go out looking like a complete scum bag under your own conscious power and don’t get anything from it, it’s your own fault. Don’t think you’re going to win on personality alone; Make yourself presentable. Don’t go out looking like you just slithered out of your mother’s vaginal cavity, dumb shit. This aside, other than shelling out money to fix your holocaust of a face, you better have some sort of redeeming quality, like vibrant personality, good sense of humor or, the best trait, lots and lots of cash money. Even if you’re ugly and have any or all of these traits, chances are you won’t get fucked or married unless you have a good wingman to talk you up before the other person sees you. That way, they’ll focus less on the dimples in your legs and the explosion of pus that is your crater face and more on your redeeming qualities.

Another remedy is to play in your league. Let’s use the Tucker Max rating scale for just a minute. (If you’re unfamiliar with this scale click here) If you’re a woman reading this, it doesn’t matter. Tucker Max’s scale is probably transferable. If not, too bad. I’m not running an Equal Rights page here. Anyway, let’s say you’re a 2-star and you’re interested in a 5-star. Chances are, unless you have a lot of money, a personality that makes the Dali Lama look like a date rapist or a seventeen inch trouser flounder you aren’t getting that 5-star. Stay in your league unless you develop some sort of method of getting those above you to become interested in you.

The most important aspect concerning not being single and desperate is confidence. Seriously, a little confidence goes a long way. Women hate an unconfident man just as much as men find unconfident women annoying. Sometimes confidence is the clincher between being single and desperate and not. Confidence won’t guarantee anything, but it sure will make the chances of getting who you want much more likely. Hell, if you’re ugly and have confidence, even you have a chance. Just keep in mind that the confidence has to be genuine, otherwise people will see right through it and hate you even more than they already do. If you hate yourself, people are going to hate you too. Your attitude of yourself is directly proportional to the attitudes others have of you. Kindly remove your head from your ass and realize this. And don’t give me that “I can’t get confidence” line because it’s bullshit. Anyone who says they have no self-confidence isn’t trying hard enough and deserves to be alone. No one’s going to take responsibility for that but you. It all stems from what you feel about yourself, douche. If you’re confident, regardless of how you look, people will notice you. Now, if you have a shitty personality or worse, no personality, do what you need to do before people figure out you have a shitty or no personality. But if you’re confident and have a personality, whether you’re good looking or not, chances are good that people will be interested in you at some point and you’ll succeed in not being desperate at the very least. But if you’re broken by the smallest of insults, then go fuck yourself because you’ll get no pity from anyone. Grow a pair and deal with it.

I almost forget to mention one thing. If you get shot down, it does prove that you suck, but you can’t let that deter your sorry ass. Everyone has their off days, some more often than others. If you get shot down, just pick your ass up and try again somewhere else. Don’t misinterpret this as do anything you can to get someone interested, because that’s desperation and in case your thick skull hasn’t processed it yet, that’s a bad thing.

Just remember you can be ridiculously ugly and still find someone who will fuck you as long as you make yourself presentable. While your options will be greatly limited, there is always someone out there who’s as horny as you are ugly. Plus, you can use that whole personality thing to your advantage if you have a good one and make yourself not look like a bag of soggy cocks, because yes, personality is important once you’ve passed the presentability test. If you decide to sprout some balls, develop some confidence and take a risk you might be able to expand on your options. The key to all of this is confidence. The more self worth you have, the better you’ll look to everyone else.

Now, if you’ve read all of this and decided that you can’t take it upon yourself to follow simple instructions, there is a solution for you too.

Give up.

End of story. Just stop trying to find someone else, because it’s your own fault no one likes you. You’re one of those wimpy assholes who thinks there’s no hope for them. You know what? If you think that you’re right. You can control how much you respect yourself, it’s all a matter of taking control and not being a shitty ass bag. Seriously, I’ll give you a kick in the ass if you stop being a self-loathing fuck nut. But if you’re going to bitch about how no one likes you for whatever reason, go fuck yourself because I’m not going to listen. You have no one to blame but yourself.

So if you’re still desperate and lonely, too bad. I’ve got a few suggestions for you though. For the ladies:

And for the gentlemen:

Remember, if you’re single and desperate, it’s your own fault. Make yourself presentable. Personality is very important, but it will get you nowhere if you aren’t at the very least presentable. Meet new people. Chances are if you aren’t getting what you’re looking for, the people you are with suck. Don’t let failure deter you. If you do, kiss any hope of ever achieving anything goodbye. Unless your goal is to achieve being a complete lame ass fuck job. Have fucking confidence. It’s the most important tool to have. And most importantly, don’t suck any more than you naturally do.

-Dumbasses got confused and put milk behind a radiator to solve their problems.

Over the last month or so, I’ve been hearing three words that piss me off to no end. Every fuckstick and their grandmother uses these three words as every other word in their vocabulary. I’ll just be sitting around minding my own damn business when some punk ass suck sack will come up to me and start jabbering on and on about trivial shit. Shit so trivial that my balls send sharp, painful electric shocks to kill off my sperm in hopes that I won’t give birth to dumbass clods after being mentally molested with trivial cock barf. God damn, don’t people think about how stupid and insignificant what they have to say is before they say it? Anyway, there are three words in particular that I’ve been hearing that have resulted in a lot of miscarriages or shattered fallopian tubes. If these words were women, they’d be the fat, gangly girl who cackles at every joke and whose gelatinous gut can be heard sloshing around from 40 yards away.

Hot: Let’s be honest, we’ve all used this word at one point in our lives to describe how someone looks. The key word here is once. “That guy is hot,” “That dress is hot,” “That abortion clinic is hot,” “That festering homeless man with his cock hanging out of his rags is hot.” Seriously, it’s gotten to the point where hot is being used to descibe anything, good or bad. Jesus Christ there are so many other ways to describe how somebody looks. Fuckable for example. Or, if you aren’t a complete bag of ass, you can use the Tucker Max rating scale. Not familiar? Take a look at yourself in the mirror, then kill yourself. At the very least, stop saying shit is hot in relation to how it looks or I’ll plaster your face with a hot load of sperm and clean it off with a hot stream of piss, cunt waft.

Drama: This one will probably coming to you very soon, because every suck ass I know uses this one. It’s used to describe every bickering problem someone has with someone else. If someone doesn’t like the way someone sneezes, the way someone dresses, or the person someone is getting their beef beam slathered by, it’s drama? No, go fuck yourself. I’m guessing this word comes from all those shitty dramas they show on fucking TV. You know, Desperate MILFs, One Detrophiliac Hill and that one where the main character is supposed to be a man but turns out to be a cry baby crotch crevice. Ass clogs watch this mind fuck and figure, “Oh these people fight and bicker just like me. My life is also a drama. Woe is me and may pity come upon my lamentable plight.” The ironic thing is, the people who watch these shows make their lives into one of these shows, then complain about how no one gets along with them. That is, they go out on a limb to try and piss people off just so they can say their life is a drama. I’ve got news for all of you. Your life is not a drama any more than my cock is a saber-toothed tiger. Stop pretending like you’re above all the bullshit when all you’re doing is piling it on and bitching about it. I ought to shatter your spinal columns with my sledgehammer of a cock. Fucking duster ass slobs.

Awesome: It pains me to say it, but awesome has become a shitty buzz word. It was once reserved for merely the greatest of people, such as Maddox, Tucker Max, Aron Ralston, John Kennedy Toole, Victor Wooten and of course Rigolega. Now, it’s used to describe everything. The word has been robbed by every lame ass on the face of the earth and has been posted on every shitty Xanga and MySpace in the universe. Whenever I see or hear the word awesome, I cringe and shake my head. The word awesome was like the hearty steak dinner smothered in the most delicious of sauces. When every dickhole on earth started using it, it was like finding out the steak sauce was really briny penguin semen. Or fat chick placenta. Either way, it sucks to hear the word awesome, knowing that it was a titties word once upon a time until mongoloid cock scabies like you raped it of its meaning.

Do both me and yourself a favor and never use these words again. The more you say it, the slower and more painful your life will become in my presence.

-Duster ass slobs have had their spinal columns shattered by Rigolega’s sledgehammer of a cock.