There is nothing more obnoxious than a man who brings his girlfriend out to “hang” with his buddies. You invite him over to uproot trees with your bare hands and taunt the homeless and he ends up bringing his girlfriend along. The next thing you know, the two are suggesting that you plant trees and help feed the homeless. They make suggestions that are “fun for everyone” and try to make sure that “no one is left out,” but then they make you watch them make stupid kissy faces at each other. And God forbid you turn on a porno in their presence, unless you want to be barraged with feminine shrieks of “that is so degrading to women, don’t you think?” Then on top of that, your (now former) friend agrees and asks if you’d mind turning on Grey’s Anatomy so they can cuddle. Fuck yes I mind, you cock! You just volunteered to tenderly wrap your arms and legs around this girl. Now, we all know that only pussies volunteer (the exception being those in the Armed Forces, of course). But the only times a man should ever wrap his arms and legs around anything are when he’s having rough sex, wrestling a bear or putting out a fire with his gasoline soaked body because he’s a real man. Anything less means you’re a sack of soggy cocks.

Anyway, they toddle on and wrap themselves in each other’s arms and do those stupid peck kisses. It’s like watching a bird trying to find a worm burrowed in the she-beast’s mouth but instead of the end result being a satisfying example of the food chain, the two just end up showing public affection. Public affection is for sissies. This one time, this girl asked me what I thought the most affectionate way to touch a woman was. So I yelled really loud into her vagina and she immediately went into menopause. Her shit was completely ruined. Then I punched her in her still supple tits and they sagged to the floor. Then she was committed to a nursing home at the tender age of 20.

Girlfriends crave attention. If you aren’t fawning over her every second you’re with her, get prepared for an extra dose of bitching. And Christ help you if you have a friendly chat with any other women who might be with your group of friends. This will result in her accusing you of cheating on her. She’ll make you feel guilty for something you didn’t do while at the same time sucking off two or three of your acquaintances in the back of your Ford Explorer while you sulk in the corner over how she said she was “disappointed.” And even when you decide to leave early and find her in the back seat with two dicks in her mouth and a thumb in her ass, you’ll be too chicken shit to call her out because she’ll cry and apologize about it. You’ll give in and she’ll tease you with reparations of the genital variety but then she’ll stop and say something stupid like “I’m on my period.”

If you have a girlfriend, you WILL become a giant tool. There is no man who can refute this statement because if they try, they are lying. You will say and do things you would have never said or done in order to impress her, like “save the rainforest,” or “you might be hurting someone’s feelings” or “you have to stop hitting that blind kid for trying to sell you melons; he’s an orphan for Christ’s sake,” because you have an echoing crevice between your legs.

You will try to act normal when she’s around in order to convince both yourself and your friends that she’s “just one of the guys.” There is no such thing as a girlfriend who is “one of the guys.” This mystical creature is a mere legend concocted by men who can’t cope with the fact they have become gigantic tools. No man has a girlfriend who’s “just one of the guys” because none of the guys bitch when you change the channel from some lame ass episode of Grey’s Anatomy to watch the Bears game or constantly yammer on and on about how television degrades women or refuse to take off their shirts to gauge outdoor temperature. Also, none of the guys have a crotch that bleeds once a month (read: 24/7) that isn’t a result of hepititis or pubic spiders that causes them to bitch about every single flaw or problem in another friend’s personality. We’re all equally fucked up; it’s just distributed differently among character flaws you self-righteous thunder cunt.

“But what about the positives,” you may ask. Sure, your girlfriend has bigger tits than most of the guys (except for Morbidly Obese Morty) and she touches your dick occasionally, and by occasionally I mean very rarely. I guess you could say having a girlfriend lets you express your feelings but that not only makes you an ass bandit but it’s also a fucking lie. Girlfriends only agree to listen to your problems so they can blackmail you when they dump your sorry ass. So, not only do you not have a girlfriend but you’re still tied to the ball and chain because she knows you stuck cat-nip in your ass as an aphrodisiac.

The worst thing about it all is that the couple in question believes that everyone thinks they’re cute. You’re not. You’re embarrassing to watch. No man wants to see a friend chained by the nuts desperately trying to please your every whim. Also, it’s a pain in the ass trying to do anything when the girlfriend tags along because she’s “not a fan” of strip clubs, movies with explosions and slathering your junk with hot sauce in order to kick stray cats in the nude. Why? Because girlfriends are greedy. They only want what’s best for them in the relationship. Don’t be fooled by the gifts or teases because in the end, you’ll sit and realize that nine months of constant bitching and moaning, nine months of fighting with your friends and nine months of seeing shitty movie after shitty movie after shitty movie was hardly worth the cold hand job or dry beej you got once after you both shared two wine coolers.

If you want to have a girlfriend, fine. There’s nothing wrong with all that touchy-feely, grab-ass bullshit as long as you do it on your own time and in the privacy of your own setting. Either show me a girlfriend who’s tolerable with friends or learn how to fucking balance your relationship with her and your friends (i.e. dump the bitch and find your friends some hookers). But until then, the next time you want to just hang out, leave the bitch at home.

-Real men doused themselves in gasoline to wrestle flaming bears while having rough sex after reading this article.

As you all should know, I had the privilege of meeting Maddox about a month and a half ago. In case you’ve forgotten, it was the day when the sky turned green and it rained Habañero sauce and hailed tits. Holy shit that rocked. Anyway, I decided that if I were to meet Maddox, I would surely need to bring him a gift. Since I don’t have any firstborns that I will legally recognize, I figured I’d have to be creative and get him something unique; something he’d never think anyone would give him; something no one else would have the audacity to bestow upon his greatness. First I considered a jar of my semen, but along with that being a creepy gift idea, the titanium enforced diamond encrusted jar melted when my liquid love touched it. So I decided on something extremely thought out and original, definitely not something I thought of as I walked out the door. I figured I’d buy him a jar of beef jerky because I was the only one who would ever think of doing so. I patted myself on the dick for being such a genius because no one else knows about Maddox’s love for beef jerky.

All sarcasm aside (because I know most of you are too dense to pick up on it), a friend and I realized there was only one place to purchase said jar of beef jerky: Sam’s Club. For those of you unfamiliar with Sam’s Club, it’s a branch off the Wal-Mart tree. It’s housed in gigantic warehouses and provides home goods and soul-crushing atmospheres in bulk. Since I have to carry a wheelbarrow with me everywhere just to carry around my excess bulk of greatness, I thought Sam’s Club would be the perfect place for me to make my bulk purchase and then hire an illegal immigrant prostitute for far under the going rate of an American hooker.

I walk in and the jar of beef jerky suddenly appears next to my dick as though a magnet of superiority had drawn it to me. That’s how fucking amazing I am. Suddenly, six hot chicks, three with real tits, three with fake tits and all with no personality began to gush at the beef I was packing. So I lobbed the jar of beef jerky to my friend underhanded and he, being a putz, missed it. It spiraled through his torso and tore him in half. In my majestic nature, I brought him back to life and made him retrieve the jar of jerky. As my massive penis asphyxiated four of the girls and bludgeoned two of the girls into a persistent-vegetative state, my friend walked back to me and said “They won’t let me buy it without a card.” I turned quickly and the force of my swinging testicles caused gale force winds to injure thousands in and around the store.

I grabbed the jerky from him and walked up to the cashier. I told her that I was a card carrying member of the “I’ll punch a hole through your skull and make your head my own personal glory hole if you don’t do as I say” club and asked her to kindly let me purchase the beef jerky jar. I was in a good mood since I would be meeting Maddox later, so she didn’t die when I spoke to her but her skin ripped from her body and pinned itself to the wall of a pre-school classroom. I laughed. Her muscle bound skeleton told me that I needed to be a member of Sam’s Club to buy anything there. I shouted so deeply from the bowels of my lungs that I covered the cashier in shit. Then I pissed in the jar of jerky (after eating the jerky, mind you) shook it up and threw it down an aisle. The ensuing blast destroyed two-thirds of the store.

Who the fuck makes you become a member to buy shit at their store? I’m offering my hard earned American dollar for your bulk product. And you say, “Sir, this costs more than one dollar?” Suck my shit it does. Even when I offered the full amount for the product (in exact change no less) I was refused service. In essence, my money was no good at Sam’s Club because I wasn’t a member. After I threw my explosive piss down the aisle, I cooled off and asked how many hookers and chicken wings came with my membership. They said zero and zero but that I could get Members Only Prices like 10% off my next purchase of tofu-bites and Fanta. Only pussies and detrophiliacs eat tofu and I fucking hate Fanta so much. No one wants a fucking Fanta you dancing cum-dumpster. So that deal does nothing for me. They also offered me perks, like charging me upwards of ten dollars for personalized checks for spending $40 on a membership card. Well, in that case, how can I refuse? Who the fuck even uses checks anymore besides Ed McMahon and Bob Barker? No one because using checks makes you a corpse on strings that hosts outdated shows. Then again, The Price Is Right is the only show on which you can be made fun of by a dead person. Every time Bob Barker undermines a contestant’s intelligence his immortal soul slays a kitten. That’s like killing two birds with one stone because making fun of shmucks is hilarious and cats suck.

So fuck you Sam’s Club. You cost me money on gas. You didn’t take my money when I offered it. You made me enter a Wal-Mart, the poor man’s K-Mart, in order to buy Maddox, Ruler of the Universe, a bag of beef jerky that comes half filled. I know the NASCAR-worshiping cousin lovers to whom Wal-Mart caters have lowered expectations on, well, everything, but a bag of beef jerky that’s half full but full priced is insulting to everyone. Anyway, the Sam’s Club membership requirement is a stupid hassle that doesn’t “pay for itself” unless “pays for itself” means “fucks people who need their beef jerky in bulk and fast in the ass,” you lying thunder cunts. Plus you tried touch me when I was younger, Sam’s Club. Don’t think I forgot about that. I’m sure you and your little club are having a great time sodomizing immigrant workers out of a pay check and planning how to molest local children’s choirs. Pedarasts.

-People have joined the “Rigolega’s personal glory hole” club for free and loved its perks.

I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie in theaters that was any good (I haven’t seen Mallrats II yet). Hell, the last move I saw was “Click” and I fell asleep half way through it. No joke I was out cold. That’s $9.50 well fucking spent right there. My friends who saw it with me said that it was both funny and sad and that Adam Sandler’s dramatic performance made a few of them cry. Naturally, they’re not so much my friends anymore than they are giant pussies. They are also dead for letting Adam Sandler make them cry. I once saw this homeless guy shit in a garbage can and his performance was far more dramatic than any horrid Adam Sandler dramatic attempt. He should stick with what got him his fame: yelling and fart jokes. Also, Christopher Walken made a complete ass out of himself which, actually was the only part about the movie that was believable. I’m convinced that they just filmed him during a regular day at his home and cropped the footage into the movie. If that were the case, it would have been a decent movie. But it’s all even, since Walken did play a classic role in a great movie once upon a time.

Fuck Click though. I’m in a good mood today, a dapper mood and feel the urge to give out treats. But unlike that old guy down the street who lures you into his home with treats only to sexually harrass your every orifice…I’m not old. And since I’m in a list mood, I’m going to stomp my top ten favorite movies of all time into your skull using my steel-toe boots of greatness. Feel free and unrestricted by copyright laws to get this list branded or tattooed on your chest so you don’t forget which ones you have to see. I’ll warn you now, most of these movies are comedies in one way or another, so if you are a more dramatic type of person, go shit in a garbage can.

* 10. Die Hard

Die Hard is a witty flick starring Bruce Willis as John McClane, an N.Y.C. detective who comes across a terrorist plot in L.A. while trying to win his wife back. She left him because he’s far too manly for her and he proceeds to exhibit said manliness by systematically taking down this entire German terrorist group single-fucking-handedly. Along the way, he crafts hilarious jokes at the expense of Hans Gruber, the terrorist leader. After numerous gun fights and explosions, McClane goes to rescue his kidnapped wife. He confronts Gruber and this other terrorist and pretends to surrender. Then he pulls out a pistol (which was taped to his back) and shoots the terrorist in the head and Gruber out a window. Gruber almost takes McClane’s wife, but he loses his grip on her watch (because McClane unfastened it, bad ass that he is) and falls 32 stories to his death. Fucking awesome. Plus, seeing Carl from Family Matters playing a role in the movie had me rolling on the ground because Family Matters was fucking hilarious.

Best line(s): “Asshole? I’m not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, Dwayne!” -John McClane (Bruce Willis)
“I shot a kid.” -Al Powell (Reginald ValJohnson) (Yes, I took it out of context. Go get fucked.)

* 9. Robocop & The Terminator

These two seem right together. I’m talking the first Robocop and the entire Terminator series. Each movie has some of the worst dialogue ever, which adds a comedic spin on each action flick. But no one watches these movies for the dialogue unless you have yeast in your dry vagina. Robocop and the Terminator are both filled with guns, explosions, robots and guns making robots explode. Sweet deal.

Best line: None, unless you consider gunfire a line.

* 8. Caddyshack

Chase, Murray and Dangerfield; it’s hard to top that. Caddyshack has a perfect mix of subtle humor, outlandish wit and enough Rodney Dangerfield one-liners to make a girl squirt at her fiancé’s funeral. Chevy Chase masters deadpan delivery in this film, plain and simple. Bill Murray does what he does best: improv the fuck out of the movie and turn it into comedic gold on the spot. “I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.” Classic. But at the end of the day, Rodney Dangerfield is what brings the film together. You can’t beat his one-liners, not even with Rigolega’s thunder cock. Bow down.

Best line: “Oh, this is the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen…I bet you buy a hat like this you get a free bowl of soup. Oh it looks good on you, though.” -Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield)

* 7. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

I won’t be the first to say it, but I have a gigantic boner for everything Matt Stone and Trey Parker have ever made. From Cannibal! The Musical to South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, these guys consistently put an intelligent twist on all their comedy but never shy away from the obscene and vulgar. In fact, I was going to write a tribute page to them but I noticed the sun begin to heave and quiver when I started. This movie in particular combines vulgarity at its peak with smart humor. And fuck, they made a musical out of it. And it got nominated for a Grammy. And only one song was really elegible due to the amount of swearing, and even the song that made it through (Blame Canada) had one instance of “fuck” in it. It lost to Phil Collins which is horse-shit because it’s impossible to beat a musical retard when he competes with the superiorly abled. The sympathy factor is too strong. The only song that didn’t have swearing was “Up There” which was sung by Satan and it got considered too. It was so heart-warming that I went out and bought a steak for a homeless man and let him watch me eat it for free. But censors didn’t let it through because some Christians thought it justified evil (read: some idiots didn’t get the parody). Pussies. Major awards side, the movie parodies a little bit of everything from war to religion to homosexuality to censorship and so on. Sure, many people do that but Parker and Stone do it better. Don’t believe me? Watch the movie. Anyway, the movie is a testament to the talent and intelligence Parker and Stone emit constantly.

Best line: “I’m sorry Wendy I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” -Mr. Garrison (Voice of Trey Parker)

* 6. The Blues Brothers

This movie has so many stars in it, it’s like looking directly into my nuts. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi rock the balls off of this musical comedy. The likes of Cab Calloway, Ray Charles, a pre-hibernation weight Aretha Franklin, John Lee Hooker etc. bring a musical atmosphere that sparks some of the most random and hilarious moments in cinema history. The car chases throughout the movie are classics in that they destroy so much shit and make such a mess that it makes Bangladesh look like an island resort. The comedy sets up the musical numbers which are less musical numbers and more tribute to some of the greatest music in American history.

Best line: “It’s a-hundred-and-six miles to Chicago; we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.” “Hit it.” Elwood & Jakes Blues (Dan Aykroyd & John Belushi)

* 5. Shaun of the Dead

I’m not a horror film guy. I usually see one, get pissed off by how bad it is and swear to never watch one again. So when I first saw Shaun of the Dead I immediately knew that not only was it a great comedic satire but it was also the best horror film I’ve ever seen. Anyway, Shaun of the Dead parodies shitty horror films extremely well, employing dry British humor and well timed and repeated phrases throughout the film. This movie also has the best supporting actor in the history of supporting actors, Nick Frost. Everything his character says is funny. And I mean laugh out loud until you ejaculate funny. Anyway the idea is zombies attack and the main character, Shaun and his pal Ed have to fight them off because Shaun has people he wants to save. Meanwhile, Shaun is trying to reunite with his ex-girlfriend, Liz, Ed wants to fuck Shaun’s spacy mom and this guy David tries to hide his attractin to Liz from his girlfriend Di. They all team up, with Shaun as the leader, to try to find safe haven and end up in a pub. Shaun’s mom had been bitten prior, dies, comes back as a zombie and Shaun has to shoot her. This triggers a fight with David, who’s a dick to Shaun. Then the zombies break into the pub and tear David apart in ironic fashion (as David said earlier “I don’t want to be torn to pieces and neither do you.”) Di tries to save him and dies. Meanwhile, Ed concocts a Molotov cocktail but gets bitten before he can throw it. Anyway, the pub is overrun, but Liz, Shaun and Ed (still human but bitten) go to the basement. Shaun and Liz escape through a freight elevator and Ed stays behind so he doesn’t harm them. Then the army shows up and kills the zombies, Shaun and Liz get back together and Ed is kept in Shaun’s shed as a zombie. The plot is laden with awesome lines (mostly from Ed) and situational humor/irony. Plus there are zombies who get shot which is always a plus.

Best line(s):: “He’s not my boyfriend.” “It [the beer] might be a bit warm. The cooler was off.” “Thanks babe.” [winks]-Shaun & Ed (Simon Pegg & Nick Frost)

Best Ed lines: “Can I get any of you cunts a drink?”
“I love his mum too. She’s like butter.”
“Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.” -Ed (Nick Frost)

* 4. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle

What do you get when you combine two stoners with an insatiable hunger for shitty food? The best damn comedy of this century, that’s what. Harold & Kumar combine recreational drugs, ridiculous situations, heavy satire on people who need serious ass kickings (jerk off cops, XTREME sports people, lazy co-workers) and even a love story so well, I had to kill ten kittens in front of a group of kindergardeners just to distract me from laughing so hard at the movie. It chronicles the story of pussy Harold Lee (John Cho) who never stands up to his co-workers that dump on him, is scared to talk to the girl he adores and has only a fleshy bag where his nuts should be (by the way, the 40-Year-Old-Virgin was good too) and Kumar Patel (Kal Penn), a devil-may-care medical genius whose only interest is getting high and banging hot chicks. The two go on a quest to find White Castle and in the process save a man’s life, see some hot tits, meet Neil Patrick Harris, get car-jacked by NPH, arrested by a dickhead cop, break out, give assholes their comeuppence, hang glide and eat White Castle. Harold also grows some balls along the way and gets the girl, which was really the only lame part of the movie, but it’s okay because there were tits. Not just two or four tits, but a total of six tits. Six hot tits. Holy shit it rocked. But anyway, Harold and Kumar is a surprisingly funny movie. The dialogue is hilarious and teeming with irony, sarcasm and clever quips throughout. Oh, did I mention there were tits? Because there were. And they rocked.

Best line: “Dude if it’s two holes it might not be so bad. Shotgun anus!” -Kumar Patel (Kal Penn)

* 3. Animal House

If you want to have a serious conversation about comedy, you have to start with Animal House. The movie follows the Faber College frat Delta Tau Chi, a frat of drunks, sexual devients and misfits. They party like mother fuckers to the dismay of the Omega frat and the Dean of Faber. The main characters, Kent Dorfman and Larry Kroger are accepted into the house and discover just how awesome college life is in Delta. The house drinks constantly, parties hard, cheats on tests co-operatively and doesn’t give a shit about seriousness. Naturally, the Omega house resents this and tries to run them out. After being on double seccret probation, the house is expelled for throwing a toga party. Naturally they take a road trip to get some ass and end up in an all black bar, leaving their dates behind after large men take their dates and chase them out. The house then goes on a rampage going the Rush Week Parade, destroying the parade and setting themselves as kings of Faber.

The entire movie is great. The jokes are both crude and genius. The one-liners are as memorable as a passionate night with Rigolega’s massive man satchel. The cast is amazing: John Belushi, Tim Matheson, Donald Sutherland, John Vernon. Wow. And also, as a clincher to the sexual innuendos, hilarious situations and general awesomeness of this comedic gold mine there are tits. Holy shit there are so many tits. “Bluto” Bultarsky (Belushi) sets up a ladder at a sorority on campus and peeks in on a huge, topless pillow fight. There’re like, fourteen tits. Then he hops over on the ladder to the next window and sees Mandy Pepperidge (Mary Louise Weller), a hot blonde girl undressing. She has unbelievable tits, so amazing that Bluto falls off the ladder. Holy shit that part is great. But regardless, Animal House is the funniest straight comedy out there. If you haven’t seen it, kill yourself. Or just go see it. Whichever benefits me the most.

Best line: The took the bar. The whole FUCKING BAR! -Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) [Note: that was not an easy pick, so go get fucked.]

* 2. Reservoir Dogs

The violence is gruesome and unnerving. The dialogue is utterly fantastic and carries the movie with dark humor and irony. Quentin Tarantino casted the perfect people for the perfect roles. It’s a story about a band of criminals on a diamond heist. But they are set up and get in a shoot out. The four main charcaters, Mr. Orange, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde and Mr. Pink each flee the scene in different manners and the movie follows each person, not each event. So, it’s not in linear format so bitches beware. Anyway, each criminal’s story goes from present time to past time then back to present.

Presently, Orange and White are driving to the warehouse rendezvous, White’s driving, Orange is in the back seat bleeding from a gun shot wound. Orange is also panicking. Anyway, they get to the warehouse and meet up with Mr. Pink. The story flashes back to how Mr. Pink escaped by shooting at cops, car jacking a woman and fleeing. Then, the story goes to the past of Mr. White, who was recruited to do the job like it was any other job. He takes a liking to Mr. Orange and tells him his first name and where he was from (which is against the rules so that no one turns anyone in). He does so because Mr. Orange was shot and wanted to be comforted. Pink and White come to the conclusion that someone must have tipped off the cops, but did not know who. Then Mr. Blonde shows up while White and Pink are arguing. He takes them out to his car and shows them a captured cop. They bring him in and White and Pink beat his ass.

There’s a flashback of Mr. Blonde speaking with Joe Cabot and Nice Guy Eddie, the masterminds behind the heist. Blonde (named Vic Vega in the film) is very close to the two and this becomes pivotal to the plot. After the flashback, Nice Guy Eddie takes Pink and White to get the diamonds Pink had stashed. Blonde tortures the cop, cutting off his ear to the tune of “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel. He then splashes the cop with gas and threathens to burn him alive, but is blown away by gun fire suddenly. Orange empties his clip in Blonde and there’s a flash back of Orange being told how to infiltrate the heist as an undercover cop.

When everyone gets back, Orange tries to explain that Blonde was going to kill everyone and steal the diamonds. But Joe and Nice Guy Eddie know he’s lying and realize he’s the rat. But Mr. White, who formed a friendship with Orange refuses to believe it. There’s a Mexican stand off. Joe shoots Orange, White shoots Joe, Eddie shoots White and White shoots Eddie. Pink, who hid, leaves. Orange reveals to White that he was a cop and the police storm the warehouse. White shoots Orange and the police shoot White.

This movie is confusing if you’re an idiot. But if you pay attention and can appreciate graphic violence, witty dialogue and the element of surprise, Reservoir Dogs is a great movie. The only complaint I had (besides lack of tits) is that the Orange flash back dragged a bit. Nonetheless, this movie owns all kinds of ass.

Best line: “Listen kid, I’m not gonna bullshit you, all right? I don’t give a good fuck what you know, or don’t know, but I’m gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It’s amusing, to me, to torture a cop. You can say anything you want, ’cause I’ve heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain’t gonna get.” -Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen)

* 1. Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction is the best film I have ever seen. Period. Quentin Tarantino creates three story about one story and meshes them together masterfully. You have the story of two hitmen; Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson), who believes that divine intervention saved his life during a briefcase collection for his boss Marcellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) and considers retirement afterward, and Vincent Vega (John Travolta) who thinks he’s nuts for thinking that. This is one story.

The second story involves Vega and Wallace’s wife Mia (Uma Thurmon). Vega is to take her out at Marcellus’ request while Marcellus is out of town. He and she share an attraction, but Vega doesn’t act on it when he takes her out for dinner. This is the point where the famous dance between Mia and Vincent takes place to the tune of Chuck Berry’s “You Never Can Tell.” He takes her home after and she offers drinks while he pisses. He decides to have a drink and leave. However, he is responsible for Mia when she snorts heroin from Vega’s coat, thinking it was cocaine. He takes her to the guy he got the heroin from and revives her. Mia and Vega decide to never tell Marcellus about the incident. That’s the second story.

The third story revolves around Marcellus and Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis), a boxer. Butch is to act as a palooka for payment from Marcellus but instead bets on himself to win the fixed fight. This draws the ire of Marcellus, who sends Vega to kill him. Butch seems home free until his girlfriend forgets to pack his watch, a family treasure. Butch received the watch as a very young boy (as a flash back shows) from his slain father though Cpt. Koons (Christopher Walken), his father’s fellow POW in Vietnam. Walken goes on a tangent about what he had to do to get the watch to Butch, culminating in a classically hilarious line. So anyway he returns to his home, gets the watch and kills Vega, who was shitting while Butch walked in, leaving his gun where Butch could retrieve it and kill him. Seemingly home free, Butch drives away. But he sees Marcellus at a stop light and hits him, crashing his car. The two fight down the street until they enter a pawn shop. The owner takes them prisoner and he and a local cop, Zed, proceed to drag Marcellus into a back room. Butch escapes his binds, and starts to leave, but goes back to help Marcellus. He grabs a samuri sword and enters the room silently. He finds Zed sodomizing (aka ass raping) Marcellus while the shop owner watches. He kills the owner and holds Zed at blade point. Then Marcellus takes a shotgun and shoots Zed in the dick. Marcellus lets Butch go on the condition that he never tells anyone what happened and leaves L.A. That’s the third story.

Tarantino tells this one out of order, too. It starts with what I called the first story, proceeds to what I called the second story, goes to what I called the third story and then goes back to the first story, where Jules spares the life of a robber because he doesn’t want to kill anymore after his “divine intervention.” The beauty of the movie lies in the non-linear order of the stories, the sudden outbursts of violence after moments of calm and once again , the amazing dialogue between the characters. The film touches the subjects of both crime and criminal mercy without being preachy. Jules doesn’t kill the robber because he wants to change his life. Butch rescues Marcellus, the man who tried to kill him when he could have left him to die. So it’s got that idea going for it. This, coupled with the creative, witty dialogue laden with dark humor and relentless but well-placed violence make this movie an absolute classic in every sense of the word. If you haven’t seen this movie, why are you still here? Go fucking watch it. That’s how fucking good it is; so good I’m telling you to leave my page only momentarily to watch it. You won’t regret it.

Best line: “The way your Daddy looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any slopeheads were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years he wore this watch, up his ass. Then, just before he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.” -Cpt. Koons (Christopher Walken) [Note this is just one of many classic lines in the movie. I'm telling you, see it. It's the best movie ever.]

That’s it, Rigolega’s top ten movies list. If there’s anything you disagree with, it’s because you’re fucking shit and need to get fucked violently and in a hurry. So go and enjoy these classics. You’ll thank me because I am the best.

Warning!

The previous article contained spoilers.

-People were blown away by both my accurate list and the fortitude of my man satchel.

I’ll be blunt. I rock and you suck. There’s really no other way around it. As always, there are ways for you to suck less but most of them involve me beating your skull in with a hammer or gouging my own eyes out with a rusty thumb tack to keep your suckage from seeping into my eyes and molesting my brain. If you think these accusations are rash, it’s because you’re a pussy. But fear not! There are other ways to decrease your sucktitude. Where there’s Rigolega, there’s a way.

I like video games and play them enough to know what sucks and what doesn’t. Before you clench your sphincter and say “Well, all video games suck,” scoffing like a jackal licking his own rank nutsack, prepare to get neutered. Over the past few weeks, I’ve played a plethora of video games, amounts I haven’t played since Sega Genesis was top of line technology. I decided, while banging three hot chicks at once, that I have a great plentitude of testosterone coursing through the bulging veins of my massive man satchel. I also decided to make a list of classic video games, in no particular order. Enjoy or get fucked. MORE »

Today was the greatest day in the history of mankind; a day which many scientists and theologians believed would never be able to happen; a day which defied both the laws of physics and every religious dogma to ever exist. Today was the day when Rigolega and Maddox were not only in the same room, but the day the two met. Let me give you a brief overview of the day prior to meeting Maddox. MORE »

Being the self-proclaimed king of everything great, people often ask me “What can I do to be your friend, Rigolega?” The short answer is nothing because I rock that hard. Naturally, being as superb at everything as I am, people come in droves to grovel at my feet and buy me all kinds of dinners in an attempt to gain status as someone who doesn’t suck. Unfortunately for them, their attempts often fall short which results in a solemn left hook to the genitals. So I’ve taken it upon myself to guide you, dumbass extraordinaire, to gaining one of the many things I have that you’ll never have without my help. No, I can’t give you bulging pecs or testicles that have the energetic potential to destroy the universe twice. But I can provide you with an analysis of how to make friends which will transform you from a lonely, basement-dwelling cock to a social, basement-dwelling cock. MORE »