For the better part of three years, I’ve tried to avoid discussing music as much as I could on this site. There are more half-witted penis strummers out there posting their poorly structured, irrelevant opinions on Rolling Stone Magazine spin-offs and blogs than hairs on my ass and the last time I checked, there was a new sub-species of Rhesus monkey living in the veritable forest that is my ass crack. So I figured, why break what’s already broken? But my desire to spite others into a rage over something as subjective as music always outweighs my own personal hatred for 99% of all music critics out there. Here’s why Led Zeppelin is better than The Who. (Yes they are, Louis.)

Singers: Robert Plant vs. Roger Daltrey:

We’ll start with something as close to objective as can be, a battle of the lead singers. For the better part of Led Zeppelin’s tenure (Led Zeppelin I-Physical Graffiti) Robert Plant had an excellent voice with the ability to flow through the tenor range seamlessly. For a better part of The Who’s tenure (A Quick One-Who Are You), Roger Daltrey had a “holy shit I just got throat-fucked by John Holmes” voice. He had one mode: gritty yelling. While that’s fine in portions, it gets old. If I never spoke softly and calmly to children, my shouting would lose its effect and they wouldn’t run in utter fear of me when I walk down the street. The same goes with Daltrey. Plant had much better range and this contributed to better sounding, more aurally pleasing and more diverse sounding vocals. Daltrey had an out of work hooker’s voice. This one’s too easy.
Winner: Robert Plant.

Guitarists: Jimmy Page vs. Pete Townshend

Jimmy Page played with a violin bow. Pete Townshend spun his arm like a windmill and blew shit up. Page played better guitar solos, Townshend put on more of a show. Both loved heroin. It’s hard to make an argument as to who’s the better guitarist of these two but in terms of most memorable guitar licks and solos, Page blows Townshend out of the water. Page also did the seemingly impossible and made Middle Eastern music sound good on the song “Kashmir.” He also wrote “In My Time of Dying,” which might be the greatest song ever written by a mortal. Then again, Townshend almost got shot for smashing his guitar on stage. That’s fucking awesome. You know what would have made it more awesome? If the stage was a panda. Too bad for you, Pete. You almost had that one. But your disregard for making endangered animals extinct costs you this round. Plus that whole child porn thing was bad. Every time I hear a Townshend solo, I wonder if he was thinking about strumming the G string of a young boy when he was playing. While I hate children and believe pornography is the best way to degrade a person, the two together is just fucking gross and a huge boner kill. Quite unlike getting a blow job while you shit (otherwise known as a blumpkin), which is probably the most awesome thing I can think of…it’s everything I love about life: shitting and ejaculating. But yeah, Townshend touched his penis to children then played guitar with those hands. That taints the music.
Winner: Jimmy Page

Bassists: John Paul Jones vs. John Entwistle

This one isn’t even really a competition. Far and away, John Entwistle is the better bassist of the two. Not to say Jones isn’t a good bass player but Entwistle was more versatile as a bass player; he was quicker on the strings and often stood on his own whilst playing. While Jones was good in his own right, he, for the most part, did what all good bass players do: held the beat. Entwistle went the extra mile and both rocked balls and slapped titties with his fat string holster, whereas Jones often stopped at simply rocking balls. Pussy. Plus Entwistle died of a cocaine overdose. At the age of 57. Which means one less old person out there and this I can both respect and appreciate.
Winner: John Entwistle

Drummers: John Bonham vs. Keith Moon

John Bonham is the greatest drummer ever. Period. There is no one out there, living, dead or yet to be born, that will ever even come close to his greatness, not even if I started playing drums. Every time I hear the thickness and utterly titlicious aural orgasm that is the drumming of John Bonham, my panties get wet. You might be asking, “Wait, I thought Rigolega was all man. Why is he wearing panties?” Because that is how good Bonham is; Bonham makes me his bitch and I spawn panties when he drums. Plus, he’s practically a superhero. On the morning he died (read: got bored with mortals and went back to his home planet of Cockrockingham), he drank nearly a pint of vodka. For breakfast. Then he drank for the rest of the day. Because he’s a fucking tank. Rumor has it he put a shark in a chick’s beaver once. And he fucked up posers and haters. He probably had a fifteen inch penis and could fart Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. While getting a beej. Plus he had a kick ass beard. What did Keith Moon do? Played drums like a spastic retard. Revolutionary my ass. Keith Moon was a bitch compared to Bonham but then again, God himself looks like a diaper shitting amateur when placed next to Bonham.
Winner: John Bonham

On a final note, Pete Townshend might be one of the worst lyricists ever. Listen to Behind Blue Eyes. The first part of it is all right, but when it starts to pick up, holy fuck. I’d rather have my knuckles crushed with a baseball bat than listen to that shit. I’ll give The Who its dues, but whenever I even think about placing them on the same level as Led Zeppelin I just remember this song and how terrible the lyrics are and decide that, along with the mediocre singer, the child pornographer guitar player/songwriter and highly overrated drummer, The Who just doesn’t cut it in comparison to Led Zeppelin. Any arguments or disagreements can be directed to my inbox and will be promptly transferred to my trash bin.

-People argue that The Who revolutionized the rock opera. Who gives a shit? Also, Pink Floyd sucks.

I was sitting around, admiring the obnoxious amount of hair on my nuts the other day when I picked up a local newspaper. The Chicago Sun-Times, which is a pair of tits short of being a tabloid, had at least two articles that used the word “über” as an adjective. When did this become popular again? I remember about three or four years ago, über was used to describe anything that was overly anything: über cool, über gay…and when South Park did it, it was fine because Matt Stone and Trey Parker can do no wrong. But when fucking columnists in borderline legitimate newspapers (like the Sun-Times) use it, it makes me want to shave all the hair off my crotch, paste it on my face and become Amish. Holy shit, I would have the biggest beard ever if I did that. I’d be able to nest herons in it.

Keep those hatchet wounds clean ladies; he’s got a beak for fish.

First off, über is a German word for over. So, when I see things like “über trendy” or “überagent” (Thanks Mike Thomas, you fucking idiot; any inclination I had to watch Entourage was lost when you used that word to describe Ari Gold you fucking taint) it makes me want to say, “Mach es dir selber arschgeiger. Springen sie über meinem schwanz und in ein loch,” because that’s a proper way to use über. I wouldn’t mind it so much if über was used correctly and relevantly and wasn’t just a stupid trendy buzzword you dumbass psuedo-intellectuals use to try and give meaning to the pointless shit your brain pinches out through its own personal asshole, your mouth. You morons give “talking out of your ass” a new meaning. But if über was used in a way relevant to the English language, it would be stupid since over is nothing more than a boring preposition. So you morons who use über as an adjective have found a way to make a dumb idea even dumber. People who use über are the kind of people who wake up in the morning and say, “Well, I don’t have any toothpaste, so I’ll just use bleach…or wait, I’ll just stick my toothbrush up my ass and brush my teeth with whatever I get on it!” Just one brilliant idea after another you fucking brain dead affenschwanz.

In the very same newspaper was a study about MySpace and Facebook. Some daft cunt who legally got her name changed into all lower case letters did a study about class divisions within these two sites. This study is inherently stupid because the basis behind it is that lower class people (or as she called them, Latinos and art-fags) use MySpace. No, lower class people don’t use MySpace you stupid twat, they use Nothing: A Place for People Too Poor to Own Computers and an Internet Connection. I think what she wanted to say is that people who really suck and think they’re different because they can throw as much unrelated shit together on a webpage and call themselves the next Pollock when all they are are a bunch of fuck-jobs with no artistic talent to snort at and have no life outside of internet friends who want nothing more than to sodomize them use MySpace. But that should go without saying. I can see why no one reads anymore. This is the shit presented as important and relevant. I got up no less than two times to shit the shit of the devil while writing this article; that’s how angry I was when I read the Sun-Times this morning. These people got degrees in Journalism? Living proof that Communications is a phony major. Fuck the Sun-Times, fuck MySpace and most importantly, fuck you.

-People would rather brush their teeth with ass-butter than read my site.

(Note: Before I begin, I’m going to share with you a little known fact: in terms of sex and baseball, anal is a triple, vaginal is a home run. A number of players hit 30-40 home runs in a year but it takes someone quick and with the ability to put the balls in just the right spot and grind around the dirt path to chalk up even one triple a year. And, in the end though triples are fun to watch and talk about, a home run is a guaranteed run; you can get shat on hitting a triple if you never come in to score.)

Independence Day is the greatest day ever. A day when every red, white and blue blooded American sits around in his backyard, consuming large amounts of meat, alcohol and tobacco, all while blowing things up in honor of our forefathers who freed us from the drab tea drinking British rule hundreds of years ago. More than simply an American holiday and institution, the Fourth of July is the best holiday ever, for the following reasons.

It’s hot outside: Hot weather is awesome. It means scantly clad hot chicks walking around with no shame. It often translates to hoses being used to cool off the aforementioned hot chicks which turns dry hot chicks to soaking wet hot chicks, mostly wearing white bikinis and feeding me grapes. And nothing says America like glistening fake tits in front of an American flag. It makes me proud to be an American. Hand me the KY, I’m about to hit a triple.

Alcohol consumption on a weekday: If you’ve ever needed an excuse to drink on a Wednesday without being considered a drunk (because alcoholics go to meetings and really, who has time for meetings when there’s drinking to do?), raise your beer can to the likes of George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. They fought hard and thought diligently for your freedom. Actually, raise your beer can for every founding father who signed that Declaration of Independence. Yep, all 56 of them. Come on you pussy, you still need to drink one for Washington. I don’t care that he didn’t sign the Declaration, he led the army to victory! And he was the first President! He had a brain for his heart and two sets of testicles! Drink two for him! If you’re still conscious after that, proudly pump your fists; you’re a real American.

Tobacco is prevalently used: The Fourth gives everyone a chance to relax with a fine American tradition: tobacco. Be it cigarette, cigar or straight chewing tobacco, it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy a fine American staple crop like tobacco along with some corn mash bourbon. Unless you’re a pussy and bitch about smoking and drinking. Back when this country was founded, men were men and didn’t whine and bitch about things like how tobacco kills people. These days, lots of people complain that tobacco is bad for you. Actually, it has been proven that tobacco is awesome and only crybaby bitches disagree. George Washington loved snuff and he led America to victory in the Revolution; FDR smoked like a chimney and led America to victory in WWII; try and say that doesn’t fuck some big titties. You can’t. Unless you’re a pinko. So even if you don’t normally use tobacco, show your support for this great nation and have a smoke, or at least stop bitching about how smokers are killing themselves. They know and they don’t give a fuck.

There are explosions: The Fourth is the one day where it’s not only socially acceptable but also expected that shit will blow up. Explosions rock. Be they M-80s going off in a garbage can (bonus point if there’s a bum living there) or straight up fireworks (double bonus points hot embers get in the eyes of America hating hippies), explosions are a trademark of American celebration. Combine this with the fact that there are always tits on the Fourth and children are doubtlessly harmed or at least put in their place by veterans and/or drunk fathers/grandfathers, the Fourth of July would definitely be the greatest movie ever.

No gift giving: Though a holiday, no one has to get gifts for anyone on the Fourth. So it’s got all the festivities of Christmas, Thanksgiving or a hated family member’s funeral without all the touchy bullshit that comes along with most holidays. Shit, the only gift that might get given on the Fourth is a dick in the ass of some hot drunk chick…and that’s a gift that keeps on giving until she can’t handle it anymore. This is a great perk. The Fourth is like marrying a hot mute woman: all the good looks, none of the bitching.

Meat is consumed in gluttonous proportions: Animals: good for petting even better for eating. What better way to celebrate being a red blooded American than by eating a vast amount of red meat? Steak, burgers, dogs, ribs, all excellent appetizers. But nothing beats killing a live boar with your bare hands and eating it raw, like a real American. Except the fact that Joey Chestnut made Kobayashi his bitch this year in Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest! What a fucking bad ass! USA! USA!

The Fourth of July is fucking amazing. It has everything: explosions, tits, red meat, alcohol, tobacco and unrelenting pride. Holy shit, the Fourth of July is practically a porno. All I can say is take me America. Take me to your fertile plain and mountains’ majesty. And back me up when the police ask why I’m caught having sex with your fertile plain. The police never understand when I explain it as till the valley of the only woman I love and say “fucking a hole in the ground” is inexcusable.

-America is the fucking tits.