18 September 2007 - 0:00Clusterfuck in Columbia.

The other day, I was sitting around watching porn when my friend asked me if I wanted to go to a party. My first reaction was to tuck my cock back into my pants, but in a rush I accidentally did a back flip and uppercutted him in the jaw with my penis. After he had his jaw set back into place with a mighty forearm shiver for interrupting my flog the flounder marathon, I mixed into a 10 gallon jug some pure Missouri moonshine and the “where are my parents” queries of orphans. After I willed the concoction into my stomach with my eyeballs, I looked my friend straight in the face and told him I’d rather motorboat Jack Black’s sweaty man tits than go to a party. Then my neighbor came into my room and asked what all the hub-bub was so I stapled his scrotum to his taint. No one says hub-bub in my presence without having his scrotum stapled to his taint.

I settled down a little bit and gave my friend a chance to recover. Since a Rigolega forearm shiver takes approximately 15 years of freezing cold hypothermic-state inducing injections from which to recover, I decided to sit down and play Resident Evil 4 in my underwear. Holy shit I love playing video games in my underwear. And farting. Especially when my farts smell like Chinese food. There’s no more satisfying feeling than that other than getting blown while taking a shit. Some people call it gross, I call it a Tuesday evening. I beat the entire game twice in four minutes and basked in self-satisfaction and my own butt musk before a small group of people gathered in my doorway. They asked if I was going to the party and I responded with a fart so heavy that the entire room began to sag under its density. The survivors continued to prod at me with queries so I indulged them and stood up. I immediately hunched over from the weight of my nuts crashing to the floor and almost threw out my back and by threw out my back I mean got blown by three women at once and by almost I mean fuck you. As everyone began to file out of my room the 10 gallons of alcohol and orphan queries began to hit me, so I ran ahead and led the group. I didn’t know where the party was, so I mentally teleported the house at which it was held to my proximity. The house fell on a group of confrontational evangelists that happened to be standing there.

I went into the house and proceeded to spring wood so sizable that a National Park ranger filled out a form designating my crotch as national attraction, pushing the count up to 17 such designations. A bunch of people were standing around a keg pumping Pabst into solo cups. Being a real man, I shotgunned the entire keg by myself and crushed it on my forehead. Women swooned and men shat their pants. Disappointed in the lack of bourbon in the room, I went into another room where people were dancing to shitty club tracks. One guy in a striped shirt with a popped collar flailed his hand in the air and shouted the word yeah several times like he was fucking Paul Wall. I shoved my foot so far up his ass that the dog shit on the bottom of my boots caked his teeth. Then one of his friends challenged me to a fight, so I did what I always do when I’m challenged to a fight: I glared at him until his penis disintegrated into a crotch vortex. I was immediately doused in the moisture of freshly creamed panties and not wanting to catch herpes from the skanktitude of the room, proceeded to headbutt through a wall to create an exit. The entire second floor came crashing down from my effort as I accidentally destroyed a load bearing beam and by accidentally I mean just because I fucking can.

When I got back to my room, a girl was waiting for me naked grilling an entire ox on a spit. She was having a hard time rotating the carcass, so I yelled at her because I only eat raw meat. My shouting was so immense that my shirt tore away from my body and suffocated a group of petitioners begging me to end violence. Then I brought the ox back to life and fist fought it. After I killed it a second time, I ate it in two bites, since my first bite was interrupted when I answered a call from another friend who was at the party. He said he needed bail money because the party had gotten broken up due noise complaints and he was being held for damage to a public building. I grunted mightily and finished my feast. Then the girl in my room asked me if I would cuddle with her in return for bringing me my snack. I laughed so hard I came.

-I fucking hate parties.