I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, I beat off to the thought of how successful I’m going to be due to another great idea I had today. I’m going start a new website coupled with this one that will make me so rich and powerful, I’ll be able to stab screaming children in the throat at Wal-Mart in front of the Pope and the Supreme Court Justices and still walk down the street to a strip club and call myself God. Morons, I will soon be the proud host of a new website:

Click me!

Holy shit, I just shot a load in my belly button thinking about how much money I’m going to make off of this. Just kidding. I don’t have a belly button. I simply willed myself into existence because I’m that fucking great. This is exactly what the internet needs: a place where all you bleeding-heart, weird-ass mother fuckers (and I mean that literally because let’s face it, you door-knob fuckers have probably gone inside your mothers more often than you’ve come out by a multiple of three) can go and connect through your anal fisting fantasies and share your terrible meterless poetry and ponder why Lucy Loosepuss or Dirk Dicklick doesn’t want to date you. Then just when the site has reached its peak and I’ve made trillions, I can gather you ar-tards together in one building by tracking your IP addresses and sending you a mass email saying there’s a dumbass convention and you and all your dick mutilating, piss gargling friends are invited. Then when you’re all inside, I’ll lock the doors, jump out a fifty story window, break the fall with my face because I’m that damn manly, piss on the building and light it on fire since I piss gasoline. Then I can solve the country’s oil and rising debt crises by pissing crude oil and shitting diamonds.

Jesus’ fucking sandals this is a good idea. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner. Then again I have a busy schedule of downloading porn and actively restraining myself from wringing the necks of you morons who bitch about how mean people are to you because you’re too stupid to take a hint and continue to sit in the bushes with your pants off waiting for that girl to diddle her clit to the blown up photos of my junk she’s got as her wall paper in her room until your eyes pop out and prompt a violent skull fucking with my hairy fist. Fuck you. I win.

-I’m a fucking genius.

With the holidays just around the corner, there’s no better time than now to be altruistic. Truly, the greatest gift you can give to anyone is the gift of love and peace, but unless you’ve morphed into the thick outer lips of a hippy’s vaginal cavern, you’re going to want to give something more material. You’re going to want to buy that certain someone something that says “Yeah, I bought this (car, pearl necklace, Great American Challenge) for (exorbitant amount of money, the opportunity cost of me taking 10 minutes to jerk off, $78.99 + divorce fees since I can’t give her 16 inches of purple pleasure), laud me for my altruism.” There’s nothing like a healthy dose of altruism during the holidays to ensure that you get something of equal or greater worth. It’s the perfect scheme.

I’ve taken the time out of my busy schedule of viciously masturbating and kicking in skulls while masturbating to construct a list of the most altruistic gifts you can give to your loved one in order to get what you truly want: butt sex. To all of you who say you don’t want butt sex, that it’s gross and wrong: you want butt sex. Trust me. Saying you’re anti-butt sex means you’re pro-vaginal. And since you’re all stupid enough to believe that love is a great contraceptive, you’ll end up with children because you’re too poor or stupid to get an abortion. The last thing we need is kids, especially kids with a gene pool more shallow than your average jizz puddle. I’m doing you ar-tards a favor. You can give me a thank you beej later.

So here are some options you can get your loved one for the holidays and how effective they will be in getting you into the VIP room through the back door.

Fragrances

There’s nothing that says “I love you, let’s have butt sex” quite like a $65.00 stink cover-up. Apparently, smelling like a combination of cheap-trick whore and violets gets women moist in their pink parts…if not, it’s the subtle message you send when you buy this shit for women:

Oh yeah, she loves it when you talk dirty.
Price: $65
Butt sexiness: 2 of 10

Chances are you won’t be filling in her pooey pothole with any of your asphalt this holiday season if you buy her funk in a bottle. On the bright side, there’s no more perfect re-gift than a fragrance.

Dildo

Face it, you’re not a Dead-Eye Dick. Remember that time you fucked your girlfriend and thought your dick was smashing into her cervix? All you were doing was fucking her taint. Stick with apples and leave the cherries to people who aren’t shit-flinging apes, William Tell. Assuming you can man up and buy her that big purple sixteen incher you read about while masturbating to her diary, you might be able to convince her to put the purple pearl in her clam while you putz around her poop hole.

Price: $55-$90
Butt sexiness: this, according to my friend and fellow genius Bprime, can be expressed thus:

f(t)=2/(t+1)^2 [Where t=0 is the initial day she receives the faux phallus.]

“As you can see, as t -> ∞, chances of butt sex -> 0. When t=0 your chances of butt sex double. But the very next day your chances of butt sex are only half of the normal amount and it only gets worse from there on out.”

Thus, anal opportunities will fall at boner killing rates until one day she’ll leave you to pursue a career in muff diving, armed with a new hatred for men as a result of your sexual sucktitude in comparison to her Christmas present, The Grimace.

How does it feel to have it algebraically proven that you probably won’t get laid a day after the holidays, nerd?

Money & Astroglide

Quick, easy and to the point, the line separating casual sex from prostitution has never been grayer. There isn’t much that makes a pair of panties moister than a huge wad of cash. She’ll be so floored by your altruism that she won’t be able to say no to your proposition of butt sex. Unless she has respect for herself.

Price: $20-$510 (the more respect she has for herself, the higher the price)
Butt sexiness: 8 of 10. Maybe 5% of women out there won’t have a price. The other 15% will do it for a hot meal…or a Hot Carl.

Diamonds

As if we needed anymore proof that women have fucking rocks in their heads. There is no better anal lubricant than a diamond. If you’re willing to throw down upwards of $600 or more on a fucking stone, I guarantee that you will fuck a butt that night. Shit, she’ll probably let you drill a hole in the back of her head and skull fuck her if you ask her politely after you give her a diamond.

Price: $599-$∞
Butt sexiness: 10 of 10. Buy a girl a diamond and she will let you dig around her coal mine.

-People agree: altruism kicks ass, as long as you get something out of it.