Over the holidays, I received about five text messages from people wishing me a “Merry Christmas.” Paralleling my sex life, of those five, only one person personalized it by saying my name. The rest were simple “Oh yeah, that feels marginally adequate,” texts sent out by people who are more than likely disinterested in the actual act of wishing me well but whose sense of sentimentality (and the fact they were somehow unfortunate enough to have me in their phone books) forces them to say SOMETHING so I can blow my emotive load and/or perform textual cunnilingus on them after they’ve finished their deed. Little do they know that once my holly jolly Christmas jollies are received, there are no stuffers for their pink stockings. The only thing they might get is a candy cock in their coal crevice, if I’m feeling generous.

I’ve come to terms with the idea that people increasingly use text messaging to communicate with friends and loved ones. The thing that prickles my piss pole is that for many people, it has become the number one way to not only get in touch with people, but also to communicate with people generally. MORE »

I was watching the Cowboys/Seahawks game on Thanksgiving when Joe Buck announced the Jonas Brothers were playing the halftime show. The Jonas Brothers. Played the halftime show. Of a nationally televised football game. Whose idea was this, what’s his address and where’s the nearest fucking gun shop?

It’s not the fact that they were playing a halftime show that bothers me. What bothers me is that the Jonas Brothers are playing A show, period. But Joe Buck went on and on about how his daughters were excited to hear them play and that girls 7-12 years of age have their posters up in their rooms and how great and wonderful they are. And it brought my piss to a boil.

The fact that your fan base consists exclusively of prepubescent/teenage girls ought to tell you a few things. Like your music is the kind of mindless drivel bad parents let their children listen to “because it’s safe and family-friendly” when the real reason is they don’t want to raise their children properly and would rather go with the safe mainstream babysitter to mold their child’s thoughts and opinions. Then the kids take it to heart and think everything is cute and fun with a little bit of heartbreak but it’s okay because if we’re all nice and cute and flirty everything will work out in the end. Then they go out into the world and get ass raped. Literally. Raped in the ass. By big veiny dicks. Because the girls who take the Jonas Brothers songs to heart (i.e. every girl who listens to and likes them) are so fucking naive. So, the Jonas Brothers are the go-to music for bad parents and the leading influence on naive listeners being ass raped. Family-friendly my ass. MORE »

These green eggs and ham,

First a no, and then a yes,

Taste better than vag.

Dr. Seuss would be proud.

“I told everyone the point of my old smoking routine was that I should have the right to smoke even if you think I SHOULDN’T. Now, I should have the right NOT to smoke even if you think I SHOULD. The point is – THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE…I recommend you do what you want to do,  which is what you’re going to do anyway. I am merely suggesting we accept life on life’s terms instead of drowning in a quagmire of niggling SHOULDS and SHOULDN’TS which have done NOTHING to free our spirits from the cloud of guilt and shame that shrouds this planet. Again – forgiveness rather than condemnation, compassion rather than judgement[sic], and love rather than fear.” -Bill Hicks, Love All The People, 248-249.

My university’s student government has decided to jump on the cool brigade as other student governments nationwide have and is in the process of implementing a campus wide smoking ban. Holy hot dicks! Six of the other eleven schools in the Big 12 have banned indoor smoking! Fellate me crispy with a toaster! We should use the non-smokers’ moral, altruistic dick and grind it deep into the evil smokers’ collective asshole until it is raw, chafed and satisfied with our dry, unlubricated justice! Heaven here we come!

It’s an interesting proposal, banning the right for one to choose to smoke on campus, but it is being done in light of the university’s core values: Respect, Responsibility, Discovery and Excellence. However, there’s always dissension when a right (to choose, not smoke, dumbass) is potentially taken away, and I have already heard versions of arguments for why the government doesn’t have the right to ban smoking. Let’s look at the core values argument.

This proposal does not RESPECT the rights of the smoker to smoke outdoors in well-ventilated areas. Studies show that cigarette smoke lingers in the air long after a cigarette is extinguished and is thus a threat to non-smokers at all times. You know what else lingers in the air long after it’s done? A fart. Why hasn’t there been a ban on farting? MORE »

You ever notice those pants girls wear with the words on the ass?

I have. You bet I have. And it’s a great way to classify the family of women (Hasusvaginaus) into a select genus: Attentionus-whoreti. Wearing these pants says “Put dick here” and “This is the most refined thing you will ever gather having contact with me.” You can determine quickly and more efficiently that she talks out of her ass with one pair of pants with a word on them than you could talking to her for a life time.

These pants are supposed to grab attention and direct your focus to a girl’s ass. Any woman who says she wears them for any other reason is a gigantic fucking liar who will poke holes in your condoms if you have enough money for her to take after you marry her out of wedlock. There are no exceptions. Any woman that wears them does so because she wants you to look. To silently ogle. To take aim and fire. End of story. MORE »

Here are a couple of quotes I’ve read recently and really liked:

“I imagine that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, that they will be forced to deal with pain.” -James Baldwin

Making another problem in order to divert attention from looking inward and improving is a scary thought to me.

“Did you know that every time a guy comes he comes 200 million sperm? Two-hundred MILLION sperm. And you mean to tell me you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm…connected? Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds? You know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest with a gray gym sock. THAT is special.” -Bill Hicks

Even if all kids are special, when do they go from being special kids to mediocre adults?