Oh man, like, I totally forgot that i was going to write an article today. Like, I woke up and was like, “hey man, you have to like, write an article about, like, stuff you’re mad about.” But then I remembered, man there’s already so much hate in the world and i’m like, perpetuating it man. Talk about, like…uh, what’s that word for it? The thing that like, blows your mind?

Whatever man. I’m just gonna chill today. I found an awesome, like, tree where I can sit and just meditate today, you know? Sometimes that’s all we need to do man, just like, sit and think. Think about our minds. think about thinking man, you know? just like, you know? think, but don’t do. because, like, in my head, i’ve got, you know some Good ideas; nothing that, like, I’d really act on because, you know, that’d be work man. And work is for sell outs…like, all I wanna do is like, play my guitar and play video games and talk about all the girls who I think like me, but then never actually go out and try to, like, talk to them. Whatev, man. no negative energies today man. MORE »

There have been philosophers from every age and ilk throughout the course of human history who have raised some of the most important questions regarding humanity’s place in the vast expanse of the universe. The Greeks had Aristotle, the Romans had Marcus Aurelius, the Enlightenment Era had Kant; amazingly, these philosophers presented a plethora of valid arguments and solutions to some of the most complex moral problems facing their respective milieus without consulting with the greatest moral philosopher of all: me.

So, for the sake of all mankind, I’ve delved into some of the most important questions facing humanity today and have made a few observations that would not only make Isaac Newton nut in his knickers but will also help everyone live their lives the right way: my way. Like any good philosopher, I feel it’s of utmost importance to utilize loquacious language and superfluous word choice to make an otherwise simple notion a paragon for ego-fellatio; if my sesquipedalian nature baffles and confuses, allow me to cordially invite you to propel your rectum and subsequent anal cavity onto the ever reaching expanse of my blood engorged, urethra housing penile shaft, within the very same area as is the protective sheath that serves as residence of the testes that will henceforth pound into your comparably australopithecine brain my theories. Bitch. MORE »

I was walking around without a shirt on yesterday, being a less bigoted great white hope for bean flickers everywhere than James J. Jefferies was in the 1910s and throwing baseballs 350 feet on a fly when I got into an argument with a girl. Now, when I say argument I mean she made a statement and I stated my fact while her panties got increasingly wetter as a result of my eloquence and astounding logic. Just in case you missed that, I call all of my opinions facts now. It’s more efficient and accurate.

After felling Missouri’s oldest living oak tree with a laser from my hand cannon, this girl (who is thin) made the observation that fat girls were more fun to fuck. I immediately corrected her, saying fat girls just give really good head, mostly because they’re so used to having all kinds of meat in their mouth (zOMGWFTBBQ LULZ!). Then she asked if I thought that she gave bad head, being thin. Understanding that women lack the basic skills to come to logical or rational conclusions, I told her that this wasn’t necessarily true and I had no idea how skilled she was at polishing pole. She then told me that I probably wouldn’t ever know if she gives good head because that’s not something she would ever do to me. I laughed heartily at her errors of phallacy: that I wanted to stab her cake hole with my throbbing man piston and that she could resist performing a reverse two-and-a-half pike face first onto the Olympic swimming pool that is my crotch. MORE »

I got an interesting Facebook message from a girl I know yesterday that ties in to my thoughts about dating in my last post:

“I read your blog, and I’m Just wondering if you think [redacted] and I are crazy for having committed long-distance relationships? You can be honest. I can take it.”

My response:

If you’d asked me a week ago, I’d've given a definitive yes. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m not sure I’d go so far as to call you guys crazy.

Briefly, I really don’t understand how people in long distance relationships can be happy, but if that’s what makes you happy, I respect it. If you or anyone can honestly say, “I am happy in this long distance relationship,” then I don’t believe you are crazy. However, I haven’t encountered many (if any) long distance relationships that work with people our age; the urge to stray and try new things often overpowers a lot of people, mostly because a lot of people don’t have a fucking clue what makes them happy and will get into a relationship because that’s what convention says is what they should do to be happy. THAT is something I think is batshit insane.

The real problem I have is with people who are in long distance relationships who are miserable in them and lie about it and cheat on the person they’re dating. If you’re not happy, why not be honest, end it, and figure out what DOES make you happy? MORE »

Last night, I sat down at my computer and was all ready to type out a boner-inducing diatribe against dating and serious relationships in college. I was all ready to espouse people who date as morons who are limiting their development as human beings by locking themselves in to one person and not experiencing all that there is to experience throughout college. Then I realized something.

I didn’t have the slightest fucking clue what I was talking about.

Here I was, prepared to dish out advice about why committed relationships are bad and why everyone who is in them in college is dumb. Me, the guy who hasn’t had a serious, committed relationship outside of his own right hand in his entire life, was going to give an in depth analysis on why dating was stupid. I sat down and tried to form a coherent argument but couldn’t; I felt like the entire doorknob fucking taint stain community that occasionally sends me emails trying to poke holes in my bulletproof logic. MORE »