28 December 2008 - 20:45Text messaging is horseshit.

Over the holidays, I received about five text messages from people wishing me a “Merry Christmas.” Paralleling my sex life, of those five, only one person personalized it by saying my name. The rest were simple “Oh yeah, that feels marginally adequate,” texts sent out by people who are more than likely disinterested in the actual act of wishing me well but whose sense of sentimentality (and the fact they were somehow unfortunate enough to have me in their phone books) forces them to say SOMETHING so I can blow my emotive load and/or perform textual cunnilingus on them after they’ve finished their deed. Little do they know that once my holly jolly Christmas jollies are received, there are no stuffers for their pink stockings. The only thing they might get is a candy cock in their coal crevice, if I’m feeling generous.

I’ve come to terms with the idea that people increasingly use text messaging to communicate with friends and loved ones. The thing that prickles my piss pole is that for many people, it has become the number one way to not only get in touch with people, but also to communicate with people generally. MORE »