Columbia, MO – Spandex tights created an influx of toes at the University of Missouri as temperatures dipped below freezing.

Women have been seen wearing spandex tights as pants in rising numbers across the campus, causing varying opinions to be voiced about the trend.

“I think it’s great,” Martin Tallywhacker said. “It’s got all the benefits of being a Peeping Tom without the nuisance of getting arrested.”

According to Glamour magazine, the look is a cold weather fashion for women too lazy or poor to wear jeans and too arrogant to just wear sweatpants during blustery winter months. Some social scientists believe there are more reasons for the trend’s explosion than just warmth, however.

“It’s a way for college girls who are either marginally too smart or entirely too ugly to get into hot colleges like Florida State or ASU to say ‘Look at me world, I’m pretty and shameless enough to wear overly revealing clothing too,’” sociologist Olga Magnusson said. MORE »

NORRIDGE, IL – A man who recently beat Guitar Hero World Tour says that he regained his virginity upon beating the game.

“I was pwning some ‘B.Y.O.B.’ on the bass, racking up über points when all of a sudden, I felt it,” Richard Felcher said. “I got a really uneasy pit in my stomach, a no-reason erection and a feeling of utter hopelessness when I thought about breasts.”

The game, which is called “a glorified hand-eye coordination game for slapnuts with no real skills and too much time on their hands” by musicians and people who have sex with other people, challenges players to match color coded “notes” on a television screen with those on a guitar shaped controller in order to rack up points.

“Yeah I wrote a really hard song for it once, but I can’t play it on the game,” said Velvet Revolver guitarist Slash. “I’m too busy playing real guitar, having violent ass sex with women and not being a gigantic waste of air,” he said, smoking 14 cigarettes simultaneously.

Real Guitar = Real Women

Felcher, who gained a level 56 ranking in the game over three days, said he played for 22 hours straight when he first purchased it, refusing to socialize or bathe within that period. MORE »

I don’t think I’ve ever been in love until today. Today is the day I officially fell in love with the Internet. You may be asking yourself, “Why, you’ve been on the Internet for seven years! Whatever could you have stumbled upon to spark this love?” I know a lot of my friends are going to immediately think, “This fucker is going to talk about porn now. God I fucking despise him and everything he claims to stand for. I wish he’d fucking grow up already.” Well fuckers, this time, you’d only be partially right.

Presenting, 100 Cum Swallowing Tips (NSFW) MORE »

Have you ever run into a person who will vehemently argue that human beings didn’t evolve from something? Just tell them to take a nice long run or if they’re a fat fucking disgrace of a human being, a walk up a flight of stairs so they can build up a nice sweat. Then have them stick their hands down their pants and take a good whiff. Smells like fish and old Band-aids. If that doesn’t prove we came from something that crawled out of the ocean, nothing does.

Likewise, if you’ve ever run into a person who will argue to the death that there is no god and that religion is nothing more than a man-made creation fulfilling the sole purpose of lining the pockets of rich, power-hungry, war-mongering pederasts, tell them they’re getting ahead of themselves. Ask them, if there is no god, why do so many people go to church? If you’re lucky, they’ll be so befuddled by your obvious trolling that their heads will explode and you won’t have to listen to their self-righteous nerd speak anymore.

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The Bible is well known to be the best-selling book in history, with around six billion copies floating around in night stands next to rosaries and vibrators all around the world. But what most religious fanatics and chronic masturbators don’t know is that the most common printing of the Bible, the King James edition, leaves out volumes and volumes of religious text that were recorded during the time of Christ, simply because most of it lacks relevancy to the key teachings in the overall work. But what’s more surprising is that some of these texts are said to have been written by Jesus Christ himself. One might be befuddled as to why the Bible leaves out these seemingly indispensable religious records, and I therefore invite you to read a few excerpts for yourself to see why no one gives a shit about what Jesus had to say.

Boy, I'm sure to get a good buzz off this goat's fermented feces!

July 19th, 14 A.D.
Dear Diary,
Joseph made me help him repair furniture in the workshop all day today. It’s hot as balls in there and it smells like camel piss. MORE »

WELCOME TO THE WENDY'S FAMILY!

Hello, new Employee! I’m Dave Thomas, creator, founder and drunken stepfather of Wendy’s Hamburger Restaurants. You may be asking yourself, “What’s this all about, Mr. Thomas? Why are you stroking my hair?” Ha ha! Well, I’ll tell you what this is all about, you handsome lad! As a new Wendy’s employee, (or “fresh meat” as we say around here!), you have a lot to memorize in the coming days! Everything from how hot the grill has to be to cook up one of our tasty signature burgers, to how hot I like my bath before my nightly masturbation! It is for that purpose that I wrote up this handy little book of tips just for you, to help you through your first couple weeks of training here at Wendy’s! Why do I sound so excited!? I’m getting a rimjob right now! MORE »