In addition to attempting to find some semblance of my own voice in my writing, I’ve been trying to find some semblance of my own sound in playing music. So, I’ve begun posting videos on YouTube.

Now, I pimp to you, my YouTube channel.

Three coffins, one lead, one silver, one gold sit in a room, one of them containing Dracula. Each coffin has a description.

Lead: Dracula is here.

Silver: Dracula is not here.

Gold: Dracula is not in lead.

At most, one inscription is true. Where is Dracula and why? You may only open one coffin. If you open the wrong one, you die. If you open the right one, you are granted one wish.

There are no trick answers. Dracula is in one of them.

A gypsy told me this riddle. No joke. I thought about it for two hours before I got it. It should take no more than five minutes.

fmylife.com

I hate the phrase “fuck my life.” The only people I’ve ever heard use it are fat hipster fuckwits who don’t shave their fucking vaginas but still have the fucking gall to wear spandex as pants because it’s so tragically hip to dress like a fucking bag lady. Then they wonder why bottom feeding, backne-plagued, pencil-dick box-fuckers are the only ones who will plummet their dipsticks into the fetid puddle of sick they call vaginas in the first place. We get it; you think you’re ironic. If you want to be really ironic, go mine some iron ore, but instead of coming out of the mine lauding yourself on how ironic you are in both a literal and philosophical sense, set off an explosion, get crushed and fucking die a slow painful death you “too-cool-for-everything-and-nothing” posers. It’s asscunts like you that make government funded eugenics projects seem like a brilliant fucking idea.

Anyway, while I may loathe the phrase, I do love to laugh. So although I was hesitant to visit fmylife.com at first, I realized that it is a cesspool for the world’s biggest sad sacks. It’s a site that  makes you believe you aren’t the sorriest fucking excuse for a human life and allows you the pleasure of laughing at morons all at once!

Enough bullshitting: http://www.fmylife.com/ For every boring, useless, twitter-esque post, there are five posts that will make you simultaneously laugh and believe you don’t suck all that bad. Don’t let it fool you though. You do.

TAMPA BAY, Fla. – Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen’s power slide during the Super Bowl Half Time Show gave America quite an eyeful on Sunday.

“I was filming him and having a good time when all of a sudden, thwack,” cameraman Garrett Gooch said. “Face full of 60-year-old nuts.”

Are you ready for Bruce's Springpeen, America?

The 59-year-old Springsteen completed a running knee slide into a camera during “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out” shocking many viewers with his vigor.

“I’m just surprised he can still move that fast,” Erin Frenulum said. “I thought swollen prostates and AARP cards slowed people down.” MORE »

TAMPA BAY, Fla. – Jesus Christ issued a two-word apology to the Arizona Cardinals after a tightly contested loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII Sunday.

“My bad,” he said before shuffling off to the locker room with tears in his eyes.

Cardinals MVP Jesus Christ weeps after a 27-23 loss in SB XLIII to the Steelers.

Christ, a rare player who guided the team on both offense and defense during a turbulent year, missed a block with approximately eighteen seconds left in the fourth quarter. Down 27-23, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner attempted a deep pass but Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley forced a fumble, which was recovered by defensive end Brett Keisel.

“He’s been there for us all year while we made that remarkable run at the Super Bowl,” Arizona head coach Ken Whisenhunt said. “It’s a shame that he couldn’t quite deliver in the clutch.” MORE »