I was watching the Cowboys/Seahawks game on Thanksgiving when Joe Buck announced the Jonas Brothers were playing the halftime show. The Jonas Brothers. Played the halftime show. Of a nationally televised football game. Whose idea was this, what’s his address and where’s the nearest fucking gun shop?

It’s not the fact that they were playing a halftime show that bothers me. What bothers me is that the Jonas Brothers are playing A show, period. But Joe Buck went on and on about how his daughters were excited to hear them play and that girls 7-12 years of age have their posters up in their rooms and how great and wonderful they are. And it brought my piss to a boil.

The fact that your fan base consists exclusively of prepubescent/teenage girls ought to tell you a few things. Like your music is the kind of mindless drivel bad parents let their children listen to “because it’s safe and family-friendly” when the real reason is they don’t want to raise their children properly and would rather go with the safe mainstream babysitter to mold their child’s thoughts and opinions. Then the kids take it to heart and think everything is cute and fun with a little bit of heartbreak but it’s okay because if we’re all nice and cute and flirty everything will work out in the end. Then they go out into the world and get ass raped. Literally. Raped in the ass. By big veiny dicks. Because the girls who take the Jonas Brothers songs to heart (i.e. every girl who listens to and likes them) are so fucking naive. So, the Jonas Brothers are the go-to music for bad parents and the leading influence on naive listeners being ass raped. Family-friendly my ass. MORE »

“I told everyone the point of my old smoking routine was that I should have the right to smoke even if you think I SHOULDN’T. Now, I should have the right NOT to smoke even if you think I SHOULD. The point is - THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE…I recommend you do what you want to do,  which is what you’re going to do anyway. I am merely suggesting we accept life on life’s terms instead of drowning in a quagmire of niggling SHOULDS and SHOULDN’TS which have done NOTHING to free our spirits from the cloud of guilt and shame that shrouds this planet. Again - forgiveness rather than condemnation, compassion rather than judgement[sic], and love rather than fear.” -Bill Hicks, Love All The People, 248-249.

My university’s student government has decided to jump on the cool brigade as other student governments nationwide have and is in the process of implementing a campus wide smoking ban. Holy hot dicks! Six of the other eleven schools in the Big 12 have banned indoor smoking! Fellate me crispy with a toaster! We should use the non-smokers’ moral, altruistic dick and grind it deep into the evil smokers’ collective asshole until it is raw, chafed and satisfied with our dry, unlubricated justice! Heaven here we come!

It’s an interesting proposal, banning the right for one to choose to smoke on campus, but it is being done in light of the university’s core values: Respect, Responsibility, Discovery and Excellence. However, there’s always dissension when a right (to choose, not smoke, dumbass) is potentially taken away, and I have already heard versions of arguments for why the government doesn’t have the right to ban smoking. Let’s look at the core values argument.

This proposal does not RESPECT the rights of the smoker to smoke outdoors in well-ventilated areas. Studies show that cigarette smoke lingers in the air long after a cigarette is extinguished and is thus a threat to non-smokers at all times. You know what else lingers in the air long after it’s done? A fart. Why hasn’t there been a ban on farting? MORE »

You ever notice those pants girls wear with the words on the ass?

I have. You bet I have. And it’s a great way to classify the family of women (Hasusvaginaus) into a select genus: Attentionus-whoreti. Wearing these pants says “Put dick here” and “This is the most refined thing you will ever gather having contact with me.” You can determine quickly and more efficiently that she talks out of her ass with one pair of pants with a word on them than you could talking to her for a life time.

These pants are supposed to grab attention and direct your focus to a girl’s ass. Any woman who says she wears them for any other reason is a gigantic fucking liar who will poke holes in your condoms if you have enough money for her to take after you marry her out of wedlock. There are no exceptions. Any woman that wears them does so because she wants you to look. To silently ogle. To take aim and fire. End of story. MORE »

There are news reports out that the daughter of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is pregnant. This is front page news at CNN.com, FOXNEWS.com, and MSNBC.com.

Why?

Why is the issue of Palin’s daughter’s pregnancy even an issue at all? What does it have to do with Palin’s ability (or inability) to serve as Vice President to John McCain if she is elected? So her daughter went out, banged some dude, got pregnant and is keeping the baby. Good work, Juno. But really, why should anyone give a shit about this? Her daughter is pregnant, she’s 17, who cares? How is this at all relevant to anything? MORE »

Republican Presidential nominee John “Holy fuck I’m old” McCain picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the 2008 Presidential election. Remember how I said Obama was untouchable because he picked a closet racist to pick up the hillbilly vote in picking Joe Biden? Well, McCain rocket launches a cock in the ass of his run picking this bitch. MORE »

Fuck Michael Phelps. People will argue that he’s the greatest thing for swimming ever. They’ll point to his 7 gold medals and five broken world records in the 2004 Olympics, how he works with young swimmers through his “Swim with the Stars” program and how he used swimming to channel his restless energy from ADHD to become not only an inspiration for those with the disorder but also one of the greatest swimmers in the history of swimming. So what? You know what he wouldn’t be able to beat in a water race? A cosmopolitan sailfish. Greatest thing for swimming my ass. You want to see a real swimmer? Find a cosmopolitan sailfish. MORE »