7 March 2009 - 2:40Go See Watchmen

Over the past few months, I’d heard nothing but good things about Watchmen. From what I’d heard, it’s touted as one of the greatest comic book adaptations of all time by greasy-faced, wedgie-burned, mattress-fucking nerdlingers Internet-wide. Naturally, my first reaction was to avoid it like a screaming baby that shat spiders and puked AIDS. Shit, I won’t see Slumdog Millionaire based on the fact that everyone who’s hip in their little social circle liked it. That, and because I hate Indians, game shows and Indians who are on game shows.

All joking aside, my buddy Chesterfield asked me on a man date last night to see the midnight showing of Watchmen. Having little else to do besides jerk off and pretend to think about writing a paper about globalization, I warily agreed to join him. Chesterfield is sort of a comic/superhero nerd and was pumped for the movie. Completely indifferent to the film, I sat in apathy, hoping for at the least a violent movie with some tits.

Then there were lesbians. And pregnant women being shot in the head by superheroes. And a manic masked hero splitting a child murderer’s skull open with a butcher’s knife. And huge bouncing titties. And superheroes using flamethrowers on communists. All in the first hour.  Holy scaly cod cocks!

Seriously, I cannot compress the amount of awesomeness in this movie. It had the three basics of all good movies: tits, explosions and children being maimed. But beyond that, it had one of the most compelling characters ever in the superhero Rorschach.

Bad ass

This motherfucker is a moral absolutist bad ass who hates communists and liberals and metes out violent justice to criminals. Translation: he kicks incomprehensible amounts of ass. If actors had any sense whatsoever, they would watch Jackie Earle Haley’s performance closely, take incredibly detailed notes on how to play the part of a bad ass sociopath who fights crime and then kill themselves because there’s no possible way for anyone to do a better job than Haley did. Fuck the Oscars or any of those pussy ass awards. This man should win the Nobel Prize for Violence and Bad Assery.

Then there’s The Comedian.

He'll fuck you up.

He’s got a mustache, smokes cigars and has a penchant for fucking the shit out of everything in his path. Here’s a short list of awesome things The Comedian does: uses flamethrowers on communists in Vietnam, drinks hard liquor, smokes cigars, shoots Vietnamese women who happen to be pregnant with his child, fucks with everyone he meets, acts like an asshole, dies like a man by getting thrown out of a window onto the street hundreds of feet below. What a fucking hard ass. Some people will tell you that The Comedian raped a superhero which makes him not awesome. Wrong. The superhero he raped said she wasn’t upset because of some sentimental horse shit about the result being a daughter she loved. More importantly, that night of forced passion lead to another awesome part of this movie: tits. (And before you fire off a comment about me justifying rape in the last sentence, please leave my site; you are clearly too stupid to take a joke, I hate you and I hope you get raped. Seriously.)

Yes, there are tits. Holy shit. Malin Akerman’s tits are incredible, especially on a 50 foot screen. Anyone who saw Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle might remember her as Freakshow’s wife and her cans as faptastic (NSFW). I’d probably still give this movie a decent grade if it had sucked just because her chest cannons are so godly.

Safe for work.

And even if you’re some hipster douche bag or the kind of guy who goes to movies for the social commentary that only the feature film adaptation of a comic book can provide, there’s a great storyline behind Watchmen along with several conflicting philosophies about the importance of humanity, the correct distribution of justice and a debate about the morality of various ends and means involved in developing a Utopian Earth. I’m not going to talk about it here because I’m lazy, I don’t give a shit and fuck you.

A lot of critical reviews have suggested that if you haven’t read Watchmen prior to seeing the movie, you shouldn’t see it because you won’t understand it and thus, won’t like it. Fuck them and their elitist comic-book geek arrogance. I’m tired of these scrotum sheering know-it-alls telling me what I’ll like and won’t like. Since when is reading a book a prerequisite to seeing a movie? Fuck you. If the movie is at all good, it will be able to stand on its own merits, even if it is an adaptation.

“But if you haven’t read the novel, you won’t understand the plot line.” Blow me. It’s a fucking adaptation of a comic book. It’s not going to be hard to follow the plot line because – get this – IT’S A FUCKING COMIC BOOK. I can see the “It’s not just a comic book, it’s a cogent analysis of various philosophical milieus taking place in the world of both the past and today” speeches already. I don’t care.  Take your indignant nerd pseudo-intelligence back to your coffee shops and art appreciation seminars you arrogant assholes. This movie is so incredibly packed with violence, gore, tits, action, explosions, and, yes, philosophical and political commentaries that anyone who appreciates a violent, somewhat thought-provoking film can enjoy it.

Plus it’s almost three-hours long, which makes it even better than it already is, because pussies and children can’t sit through a three-hour movie, even if it’s busy rocking your face with gruesome violence and titty-bouncing sex scenes.

And then there are people who are bitching and moaning that the movie is too loyal to the original comic and doesn’t creatively interpret the graphic novel. Too loyal to the original? Doesn’t creatively interpret the novel?  Well lance my asshole with a smoking shank. There’s no fucking pleasing these cunts. I’ve never read the comic, but if the movie was as faithful to the comic as everyone says it was, why the fuck should they creatively interpret anything? Why change what’s already incredible?

Then there are the pussies who complain that it’s too violent, but they don’t matter because, again, they’re pussies. And then there are the fucking pseudo-intellectuals who take their critiquing jobs seriously, as if anyone gives a shit. Take this quote from Variety’s Justin Chang:

The movie is ultimately undone by its own reverence; there’s simply no room for these characters and stories to breathe of their own accord, and even the most fastidiously replicated scenes can feel glib and truncated.

What the fuck is this pus coated tampon inhaler talking about? “Fastidiously replicated scenes can feel glib and truncated”? Thesauruses are great in moderation numb nuts. Get the fuck out of my office.

Fuck the haters. Watchmen is the tits. Go see it, unless you’re a pussy, a child or a pretentious, clown-raping ass bag, in which case, die getting fucked by a horse.