14 February 2008 - 0:00Happy Valentine’s Day, dear reader.

Today is Valentine’s Day and so I’m going to be a bit sentimental and share with you a poem I once wrote for someone I loved. I hope you enjoy it…I don’t normally get this sentimental, so please be sensitive.

<3 <3 The Night (I Found My Love) <3 <3

The night was cold, the rain was falling soft
And in my heart I knew that love had bloom’d.
The soft white face and lips my mind had oft
Dreaméd about; naively I assumed
The favor was returned in full and whole
That we would be as one for evermore.
An overwhelming yearning in my soul
Cried that this was what I’d been looking for.

The night wore on and smitten though I was
I found the strength to share my secrets bold
And listened -my heart fluttered as it does-
While sim’lar thoughts from you came to unfold.
While music played, I sought to hold you tight
And wish you’d never want to leave my side.
Inside my head I knew our time was right.
My love for you I could no longer hide.

The night died down and then I had to choose
To spill my heart or let my true love flee.
As our eyes locked my mind began to muse:
You were too good, too beautiful for me.
I left you then in shock and silent awe
And watched my love fade slowly in the rain
And knew the choice I’d made -from what I saw-
Was one I’d never choose to make again.

The night had died; the fear I’d never see
My love again tore swiftly o’er my face.
But then a jolt spread quickly over me!
My true love here! You seemed so out of place!
Your hair so fine and eyes so dark and pure!
Your smile and body causing me to shake!
My loins did burn and yet, I was not sure
That it was you; my knees began to quake.

Your finest features glistened from the rain.
My man stick pumped, my jeans became so tight.
I did not want to fumble once again
And stared at you and chose my words just right.
And lo, I knew I lovéd what I saw
And looked at you again and, filled with glee,
I stared into the mirror on the wall
And said, “Fuck yes, I am in love with me!”

Holy shit, I just came.

Other than for serving as a vessel to further stroke my own massive ego, Valentine’s Day is useless. It’s just another day smack in the middle of the most dreary, depressing, boring fucking month of the year. So in that sense, it’s a reflection of almost every relationship ever. I’m sure there are people who will argue that Valentine’s Day is a day to express love and joy towards others. Those people are stupid. And pussies.

We get it: you think you’re in love with someone and that you should publicly display this love for everyone to see. Strangers send strangers gifts for no reason and don’t leave return addresses. Stalkers crawl out of the woodwork like emotionally unstable, butcher-knife wielding cockroaches. Morons go on and on about how much they love their boyfriend/girlfriend and how this day allows them to show the world how much they love one another.

Fuck that and fuck you.

If you do that shit on any day other than Valentine’s Day, you’re considered a prick or a sexual predator. What they should call Valentine’s Day is “The Lauding Pricks and Sexual Predators as Hopeless Romantics Extravaganza.” At least then it’s a more accurate description.

Some people will say that I’m lashing out at people who like Valentine’s Day because I’m jealous of people with relationships. Yeah, I’m really pissed that I don’t have someone to constantly nag me for sitting around in my underwear, farting and watching TV. I’m really upset that I don’t have someone expecting me to buy her shiny, expensive trinkets on inane holidays to keep her from lopping my penis off in my sleep. I’m crying in my dick-beard over the monotony of a committed relationship in which I can’t see or speak with other people for fear of igniting a jealously induced, dick chopping rage due to her insecurity. You guys caught me. Please, sign me up for an opportunity to experience all these joys as soon as possible.

Valentine’s Day is for people who have boring relationships and need an excuse to take the drabness out of it but won’t try anal.

If there’s one reason I love Valentine’s Day, it’s because I get to spend an entire day with my one true love. Me.

-Fuck Valentine’s Day.