24 February 2008 - 0:00Holy shit, fraternities are fucking awesome!

Holy shit, fraternities are fucking awesome! The other day I went to a frat party and it was so fucking great! I was standing around, minding my own business when a couple of guys came over to talk to me! They asked me what the fuck I thought I was doing there! I told them I was there for a party! They seemed displeased! They asked if I was considering pledging to their frat! These guys were so cool! They had collared shirts! And rolled up sleeves! And sunglasses! Indoors! How fucking awesome is that?! Of course I was considering pledging! They gave me a beer and told me to go talk to Cindy! She would suck my dick they told me! But, I said, she was asleep! She’ll definitely suck your dick they said! Frat guys are so awesome, they can fuck sleeping girls!

Where’s the nearest tanning bed?! I need to get my tan on!

I went out back to get some air! It was so hot in the house! Four other guys in the frat helped me get to the door faster by pushing me! They told me to get the fuck out! They must have known how hot it was in the house and were trying to help me get some fresh air! I could already feel the brotherhood! They even had a nickname for me already: Fucking faggot! This was awesome! I’d been there for ten minutes and I was already considered a sexually charged tobacco product! How much cooler can someone get?! That’s right, not much cooler! Even the girls at the party called me this! And they definitely weren’t in the frat! Everyone knew who I was already! My arms weren’t as big, my hat wasn’t as sideways and my collar wasn’t as popped, but everyone at the party pointed me out and said all kinds of things! I was the center of attention!

I’m going to layer my polos next weekend! Five popped collars isn’t enough!

One of the brothers came up to me! He told me he had a trick to get any girl into me! I was so glad he had taken me under his stumbling, glassy eyed tutelage! He told me he would talk to her for me! I was fucking pumped! I might get some pussy tonight! He went and got two drinks! He put some tablets in one of them! He told me they were love pills! I was so excited to watch him work his magic! I pointed a girl out to him! He went over to her and talked to her! Then he came back! He told me not to worry about her! She was a skank! He would take the bullet for me!

Which sorority is she from?! The one that’s sucked meters or miles of dick?!

I kept on drinking because that’s what you do at frat parties! Everyone told me to get the fuck out! They probably couldn’t believe what a fucking TANK I was! I was so fucking cut out for this frat! Then a guy came over to ask me to stop shouting and to put my shirt on! I got pissed off, like a frat boy should! So I punched him in the face! Everyone went silent! They must have been so impressed! Someone said I punched the chapter president! Holy shit, everyone was going to bow down to me! I am so fucking frat! Then a bunch of brothers took me outside! They kicked the shit out of me! This must have been initiation! Holy shit, I was being accepted into their club! HOW FUCKING AWESOME! I couldn’t even feel the innumerable punches to the face because I was SO FUCKING DRUNK! Holy shit, I am so cut out for frat life!

Who wants to fight?! Just you, me and my herd of brothers, right now! Not fair?! What are you, a pussy?!

I can’t wait for next weekend! I will get some pussy, love pills or not! I will punch people I do not know in the face and my brothers will back me up! I will treat people who aren’t in my frat with dissatisfaction and will call them “gay” for no good reason because I am so fucking clever!

I am so fucking amped! I went out and bought nine collared shirts, faded jeans and a six pack of Heineken! Frats fucking rock!

-Holy shit, fraternity brothers are the best fucking friends money can buy!