11 February 2007 - 0:00Horses can’t read, porn stars can’t die.

Seriously, what the fuck? I take a six month break and suddenly horses can read and porn stars matter? This one’s been a while in the making, but it’s about time Rigolega put this all into perspective.

First off, Barbaro died. If you found yourself asking “Who’s Barbaro?” my sentiment exactly. Barbaro was the horse that was supposed to win the Triple Crown but instead fell down and broke its leg like a dumbass during the Preakness. Normally, I would have looked upon it with indifference, figuring now I’d be able to go out and buy some decent glue to patch up the gashes I get from killing grizzlies for meat.

What was truly appalling was that people sent the thing gift baskets and get well cards. I can fathom gift baskets from friends of the money-grubbing rich owners of the three-legged failure, but complete strangers were sending not only gifts but fucking get well cards. Get well cards. Written in English. To a horse. Does anyone else spot the stupidity here? Horses can’t fucking read you morons. They don’t care that they’re in your stupid prayers or that you hope for a speedy recovery. Seriously, it’s a fucking horse. It has no conscious thoughts outside of eat, run, fuck and sleep. Maybe if the clusterfucks who sent these cards because they have to fill that crushing void of loneliness by caring about a racehorse had sent the cards to someone who can read, like its owners, it might have had a purpose. Then again, only stalkers and crazy people send mail to people they don’t know. Fucking get well cards to a fucking horse. Unbelievable.

When they finally put the thing out of its misery, the coverage it got was staggering. It was fucking front page news in the Chicago Sun-Times, which called Barbaro a hero. A hero? The horse fell down. It broke its leg doing something it was supposed to be good at. How the fuck does that make it a hero? I can understand calling it a hero if it had done something like cured AIDS or fucked a hot math teacher but that’s not what happened. It fell down and lost the race. The owners kept it alive in hopes of sending him out to stud and when it kept breaking down, they said fuck it and killed it. Plain and simple. It was a fucking horse. Get over it.

In the same vein, Anna Nicole Smith died recently. Again, there was a media circus over this one too. Who would have thought a former porn star with a history of drug problems, volatile gains and losses in weight and enough psychological problems to give Sigmund Freud a postmortem stiffy would die young? The only thing Anna Nicole Smith ever contributed to society was pornography. The only other things she had done after that was a shitty reality show (yes, I realize calling a reality show shitty is redundant) and some TrimSpa commercials. That said, why should anyone care that she died? “But Rigolega, she’s a human; she deserves respect.” Just because you’re human doesn’t mean people owe you respect you clods. It’s only a matter of time before the next Anna Nicole Smith comes along and gets recognition for doing what millions of women worldwide do for free: fuck randoms and get naked. I sure as hell won’t complain about chicks fucking randoms or getting naked, but to say that women like Anna Nicole Smith deserve some kind of respect for doing so is inherently dumb. Unless you consider respect to be me spanking out a slew of knuckle children while they objectify themselves on camera, in which case I have nothing for respect for women like Anna Nicole Smith. Take solace though; as long as there’s the internet and a supply of women willing to take off their clothes for small sums of money at only the cost of the tightness of their crotch slits and their dignity, porn stars never really die. You might be able to kill a porn star’s body but you can never kill that cock-loving, self-deprecating spirit common to all porn stars. The only thing left concerns what they do with her body. It’s either give her a funeral or throw her in the dumpster like all the other dead hookers.

-The glue made from Barbaro have 4:1 odds of closing even the manliest of gashes.