19 July 2007 - 0:00Led Zeppelin vs. The Who: an irrelevant hate fuck of an article.

For the better part of three years, I’ve tried to avoid discussing music as much as I could on this site. There are more half-witted penis strummers out there posting their poorly structured, irrelevant opinions on Rolling Stone Magazine spin-offs and blogs than hairs on my ass and the last time I checked, there was a new sub-species of Rhesus monkey living in the veritable forest that is my ass crack. So I figured, why break what’s already broken? But my desire to spite others into a rage over something as subjective as music always outweighs my own personal hatred for 99% of all music critics out there. Here’s why Led Zeppelin is better than The Who. (Yes they are, Louis.)

Singers: Robert Plant vs. Roger Daltrey:

We’ll start with something as close to objective as can be, a battle of the lead singers. For the better part of Led Zeppelin’s tenure (Led Zeppelin I-Physical Graffiti) Robert Plant had an excellent voice with the ability to flow through the tenor range seamlessly. For a better part of The Who’s tenure (A Quick One-Who Are You), Roger Daltrey had a “holy shit I just got throat-fucked by John Holmes” voice. He had one mode: gritty yelling. While that’s fine in portions, it gets old. If I never spoke softly and calmly to children, my shouting would lose its effect and they wouldn’t run in utter fear of me when I walk down the street. The same goes with Daltrey. Plant had much better range and this contributed to better sounding, more aurally pleasing and more diverse sounding vocals. Daltrey had an out of work hooker’s voice. This one’s too easy.
Winner: Robert Plant.

Guitarists: Jimmy Page vs. Pete Townshend

Jimmy Page played with a violin bow. Pete Townshend spun his arm like a windmill and blew shit up. Page played better guitar solos, Townshend put on more of a show. Both loved heroin. It’s hard to make an argument as to who’s the better guitarist of these two but in terms of most memorable guitar licks and solos, Page blows Townshend out of the water. Page also did the seemingly impossible and made Middle Eastern music sound good on the song “Kashmir.” He also wrote “In My Time of Dying,” which might be the greatest song ever written by a mortal. Then again, Townshend almost got shot for smashing his guitar on stage. That’s fucking awesome. You know what would have made it more awesome? If the stage was a panda. Too bad for you, Pete. You almost had that one. But your disregard for making endangered animals extinct costs you this round. Plus that whole child porn thing was bad. Every time I hear a Townshend solo, I wonder if he was thinking about strumming the G string of a young boy when he was playing. While I hate children and believe pornography is the best way to degrade a person, the two together is just fucking gross and a huge boner kill. Quite unlike getting a blow job while you shit (otherwise known as a blumpkin), which is probably the most awesome thing I can think of…it’s everything I love about life: shitting and ejaculating. But yeah, Townshend touched his penis to children then played guitar with those hands. That taints the music.
Winner: Jimmy Page

Bassists: John Paul Jones vs. John Entwistle

This one isn’t even really a competition. Far and away, John Entwistle is the better bassist of the two. Not to say Jones isn’t a good bass player but Entwistle was more versatile as a bass player; he was quicker on the strings and often stood on his own whilst playing. While Jones was good in his own right, he, for the most part, did what all good bass players do: held the beat. Entwistle went the extra mile and both rocked balls and slapped titties with his fat string holster, whereas Jones often stopped at simply rocking balls. Pussy. Plus Entwistle died of a cocaine overdose. At the age of 57. Which means one less old person out there and this I can both respect and appreciate.
Winner: John Entwistle

Drummers: John Bonham vs. Keith Moon

John Bonham is the greatest drummer ever. Period. There is no one out there, living, dead or yet to be born, that will ever even come close to his greatness, not even if I started playing drums. Every time I hear the thickness and utterly titlicious aural orgasm that is the drumming of John Bonham, my panties get wet. You might be asking, “Wait, I thought Rigolega was all man. Why is he wearing panties?” Because that is how good Bonham is; Bonham makes me his bitch and I spawn panties when he drums. Plus, he’s practically a superhero. On the morning he died (read: got bored with mortals and went back to his home planet of Cockrockingham), he drank nearly a pint of vodka. For breakfast. Then he drank for the rest of the day. Because he’s a fucking tank. Rumor has it he put a shark in a chick’s beaver once. And he fucked up posers and haters. He probably had a fifteen inch penis and could fart Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. While getting a beej. Plus he had a kick ass beard. What did Keith Moon do? Played drums like a spastic retard. Revolutionary my ass. Keith Moon was a bitch compared to Bonham but then again, God himself looks like a diaper shitting amateur when placed next to Bonham.
Winner: John Bonham

On a final note, Pete Townshend might be one of the worst lyricists ever. Listen to Behind Blue Eyes. The first part of it is all right, but when it starts to pick up, holy fuck. I’d rather have my knuckles crushed with a baseball bat than listen to that shit. I’ll give The Who its dues, but whenever I even think about placing them on the same level as Led Zeppelin I just remember this song and how terrible the lyrics are and decide that, along with the mediocre singer, the child pornographer guitar player/songwriter and highly overrated drummer, The Who just doesn’t cut it in comparison to Led Zeppelin. Any arguments or disagreements can be directed to my inbox and will be promptly transferred to my trash bin.

-People argue that The Who revolutionized the rock opera. Who gives a shit? Also, Pink Floyd sucks.