23 October 2008 - 23:23Love Pink

You ever notice those pants girls wear with the words on the ass?

I have. You bet I have. And it’s a great way to classify the family of women (Hasusvaginaus) into a select genus: Attentionus-whoreti. Wearing these pants says “Put dick here” and “This is the most refined thing you will ever gather having contact with me.” You can determine quickly and more efficiently that she talks out of her ass with one pair of pants with a word on them than you could talking to her for a life time.

These pants are supposed to grab attention and direct your focus to a girl’s ass. Any woman who says she wears them for any other reason is a gigantic fucking liar who will poke holes in your condoms if you have enough money for her to take after you marry her out of wedlock. There are no exceptions. Any woman that wears them does so because she wants you to look. To silently ogle. To take aim and fire. End of story.

But when you think about it, isn’t it kind of pointless in most cases? If you see a good looking girl and are into good looking girls, when she passes you, you’re going to look anyway. Consider it a compliment to her and move on. She doesn’t need to draw more attention. People will look based on the merit that she’s good looking in the first place.

But still I see it: good looking girls trying too hard to draw attention to themselves (species desperatus). The good looking ones don’t need it. It’s redundant. These are the kind of girls who will prattle on and on about how she “is totally not flirting with that guy with a girlfriend” and “that I just think he’s nice because he tells me how pretty I am” and “so what if he bought me a few drinks and touched my crotch once or twice, it’s not a big deal?”  Desperation is a stinky perfume, now available in a new medium: Red Flag Insecure Eyesore.

Now, girls who aren’t good looking, the ones who got the fire on their face beaten out with a rake (species: skeezus), I can understand why they wear them. They need attention drawn to them. Clearly they aren’t good looking and it’s inherent that they don’t have anything interesting to say if they think they need their asses to speak for them. Understandable. When nature deals you a low hand, you bluff. Fair enough.

But don’t disappoint the people who are looking, ladies. We’re taking time out of our day to give you attention you probably don’t deserve when we could be noticing the beauty of nature around us, pondering the meaning of life or, most likely, contemplating what kind of fetish porno we’re going to download after we make a cup of Ramen noodles and jerk off while wondering why we spend every weekend sitting around drinking warm beer and talking about all the pussy we’ll get NEXT weekend. At least give us something worth reading.

I propose that ugly girls who wear pants with words on the ass have some meaning to them. “Sexy” isn’t meaningful. It’s the first of two lies. You’re already trying to sell the idea that you don’t want people looking at your ass but you’re wearing pants that have words written on the ass. What? Then, you go on and put something on the ass that says you’re something you’re not. Two lies in a row. That bugs me. And it makes me say horrible things. And  feelings get hurt because you’re so insecure about where you stand in terms of looks that one person calling you out on it makes you cry. Vicious cycle.

But I’m here to help. Instead of putting an outright lie on your ass, get some custom made pants that have something useful on them. “Change the oil.” “Call your mother.” “Quit picking your ass.” Something applicable. We’ll appreciate it, because you’re not wasting our time. You’re helping us out and that’s a good thing. I can respect an ugly attention whore with “Question Everything” written on the ass. She’s turned attention whoring into a philosophical challenge. A brain exercise. Nothing wrong with that.

And for bigger girls who wear them (species: orcus), the ones who are so uncomfortable with how they look because the media depict good-looking as skin and bones, I sympathize with you there. But you have a great opportunity to make a huge difference with your huge ass! You can fit profound messages where something inane like “Pink” or “Sexy” would otherwise be stamped on in 144 size font. How about a quote from Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations? The Emancipation Proclamation. MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech. You can inspire and you should! Turn attention whoring into a mental exercise! We’ll appreciate it. I promise.

Because that’s all it is in the end: attention whoring. The girls who wear clothes like this want you to look at their asses. It clearly doesn’t matter what’s written, as long as you look. But they don’t want you to think they want you to look, because to them, that’s objectifying. I know, I’m baffled as well.

No self-respecting woman wants to be objectified and I respect that. Really. But I have yet to meet a woman who wears pants with words on the ass that has any self-respect for herself in the first place. These women want you to notice one thing about them an that’s their asses. It’s not a comfort thing, because they have sweatpants out there you can buy for about half price. And, outside of it fulfilling that “LOOK AT ME” craving the girls who wear these pants have, I understand it’s a popular style. Fine, just don’t get pissed when you catch people staring at your ass while wearing these pants, you double standard holding dingus.

But I notice a few of these girls wear pants that DO have useful messages on them. I see a few with the Greek letters of their sorority houses on their asses. I like these for two-and-a-half reasons: One, you’re constantly farting on your pride, two you’re telling me that you’re proud to not have to think for yourself because you’re in a sorority and a half point because I hate sororities (supplemented by reason one). If I were uncertain that you weren’t worth having a conversation with before, seeing you in those attention whoring pants put my mind at ease. You’re being as honest as you can be without saying it and that’s a step in the right direction.

The ones that really make me wonder where evolution went wrong are the ones who wear the pants with “Pink” on the ass (species: dumbfuckus). Now, I like to consider myself lenient. If a girl is wearing them in case, say, a blind man suddenly gains his sight and has never seen pink before, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s providing knowledge and that’s fine. Then again, the guy can’t read anything but Braille in the first place, so maybe you should put “Pink” in Braille so he can feel the connection. If that’s what you do, you’ve successfully taught someone to read with his own eyes, after a lifetime of blindness, what the color and word pink look like. That’s fucking admirable.

However the ones who wear, for example, blue colored pants with pink written on the ass in green (species: dumbfuckus-maximus), well they’re just a fucking conundrum. First off, there’s nothing pink about them, so they’re misleading your judgment of colors. Second, chances are she’ll tell you she doesn’t want you looking at her ass which, as we’ve established, is patented bullshit. Third, what the pants say provides no knowledge to the reader, which means she is wasting your time, unless she’s good-looking, in which case she’s being desperate. So you’ve got an attention whore who provides no knowledge and is a liar. So why does she wear them?

Like I said, I’m lenient and will always believe the girl is trying to tell me something about her character, however subtly, that it would be unfair to assume otherwise. “Pink”, when not related to the color, clearly has a more subtle meaning to it than has been henceforth laid out, but I think I’ve discovered what it actually means. From what I’ve gathered the species of attention whore who wear pants with “Pink” written on them which are in no way pink are saying:

“Although I won’t admit I like being ogled and will in fact react negatively to overt ogling, I will wear these pants to draw attention to my ass, which you shouldn’t admit to looking at, even though I secretly want you to because I can only garner it wearing suggestive clothing because I obviously have no other traits worth noticing, be it physical, personality related, or otherwise.” Otherwise known as “Ohmigawd, I just wanna look cute!”

That’s what “Pink” means.

It’s thoughts like these that make girls not want to date me.

Edit: Ray Lewis makes good points. It would be redundant to get married out of wedlock and I clearly can’t count. That said, fuck you.