28 June 2006 - 0:00Maddox signs books, breasts in Chicago.

Today was the greatest day in the history of mankind; a day which many scientists and theologians believed would never be able to happen; a day which defied both the laws of physics and every religious dogma to ever exist. Today was the day when Rigolega and Maddox were not only in the same room, but the day the two met. Let me give you a brief overview of the day prior to meeting Maddox.

* Before 7 p.m., a brief calm.

* At 7 p.m., Maddox rocked faces

Maddox rocks this face and owns Chicago.

Maddox smiles after telekinetically kicking some ass.

* At 7:30 p.m., Rigolega met Maddox

Maddox and Rigolega define manliness.

* After 7:30 p.m., The Earth completely lost its virginity.

The Earth is spent.

That’s right; everything on earth lost its collective virginity when Maddox and I shook hands and took that picture. That’s why we have a hole in the ozone layer. Then the sun melted. It was quite possibly the most epic moment in the history of mankind. You’re probably asking, “Where’s Justin?” Unfortunately, he had so much ass to kick and pussy to bang that he couldn’t make it. Upon this realization, he said, “I regret this more than the time I said ‘No’ to Jennifer Aniston after I had just finished with Angelina Jolie.”

Anyway, after meeting Maddox, I can assure you that he is as awesome as he says. He’s got a sharp wit, a hardcore scowl and fantastic range with a 12-gauge. Most importantly, he appreciates his fans. There were a lot of ass-hats at the signing who asked dumb questions, like “What is your favorite part of ass-kicking?” “The process I’d say,” was Maddox’s cool response as he threw the person out a fourth story window. He fielded questions calmly and didn’t have to tear anyone a new asshole because he is simply the king of the universe.

I recall springing a life-threatening erection when called upon to ask a question. Curious as to how someone as awesome as he could be approached by mortals to write the tome of manliness, I asked how he was contacted for such an epic task. When I received the answer from Maddox, one where he recalled his editor asking him if he wanted to write a book after venerating him by sacrificing his daughter’s virginity (much like Chuck Norris in The Alphabet of Manliness, 114) which was followed by a definitive “Yes” from the master of the universe, sirens blared; apparently the combination of question and answer between Rigolega and Maddox along with the boner I’d popped caused the government to react with a Code: Holy Shit We’re Fucked.

All seriousness aside, Maddox is truly a king amongst men. He treated his fans with the respect he felt they deserved and was thankful for their support. By “fans” I mean me and when I say he “was thankful for their support” I mean he verbally thanked me for my support of his website and book which automatically makes me his favorite fan. Seriously though, he isn’t the mega-asshole idiots expect him to be based on his site but he is the mega-awesome lumberjack he’s made himself out to be. I can safely say that when I am on my deathbed, with my children around me and my many accomplishments behind me, I will look back and say that my greatest moment was having the privledge of meeting an American icon; a man who stands at #2 on The New York Times best-sellers list (as of this writing) and #1 on “History’s Most Influential Men” list with little more than his dedication to his writing, his well-run webpage, his refusal to censor and his fans. So, in short, Maddox is the self-made man and would not only beat Benjamin Franklin in a fight but also invent a way to combine lesbian wrestling, beef jerky and ass kicking into one supreme experience. He rocks so hard, he cuts diamond. Maddox is without a doubt the greatest human being to ever grace God’s earth and is Rigolega-approved by all means.

-Maddox came, saw and conquered; Rigolega saw, believed and came.