12 August 2006 - 0:00Next time, leave the bitch at home.

There is nothing more obnoxious than a man who brings his girlfriend out to “hang” with his buddies. You invite him over to uproot trees with your bare hands and taunt the homeless and he ends up bringing his girlfriend along. The next thing you know, the two are suggesting that you plant trees and help feed the homeless. They make suggestions that are “fun for everyone” and try to make sure that “no one is left out,” but then they make you watch them make stupid kissy faces at each other. And God forbid you turn on a porno in their presence, unless you want to be barraged with feminine shrieks of “that is so degrading to women, don’t you think?” Then on top of that, your (now former) friend agrees and asks if you’d mind turning on Grey’s Anatomy so they can cuddle. Fuck yes I mind, you cock! You just volunteered to tenderly wrap your arms and legs around this girl. Now, we all know that only pussies volunteer (the exception being those in the Armed Forces, of course). But the only times a man should ever wrap his arms and legs around anything are when he’s having rough sex, wrestling a bear or putting out a fire with his gasoline soaked body because he’s a real man. Anything less means you’re a sack of soggy cocks.

Anyway, they toddle on and wrap themselves in each other’s arms and do those stupid peck kisses. It’s like watching a bird trying to find a worm burrowed in the she-beast’s mouth but instead of the end result being a satisfying example of the food chain, the two just end up showing public affection. Public affection is for sissies. This one time, this girl asked me what I thought the most affectionate way to touch a woman was. So I yelled really loud into her vagina and she immediately went into menopause. Her shit was completely ruined. Then I punched her in her still supple tits and they sagged to the floor. Then she was committed to a nursing home at the tender age of 20.

Girlfriends crave attention. If you aren’t fawning over her every second you’re with her, get prepared for an extra dose of bitching. And Christ help you if you have a friendly chat with any other women who might be with your group of friends. This will result in her accusing you of cheating on her. She’ll make you feel guilty for something you didn’t do while at the same time sucking off two or three of your acquaintances in the back of your Ford Explorer while you sulk in the corner over how she said she was “disappointed.” And even when you decide to leave early and find her in the back seat with two dicks in her mouth and a thumb in her ass, you’ll be too chicken shit to call her out because she’ll cry and apologize about it. You’ll give in and she’ll tease you with reparations of the genital variety but then she’ll stop and say something stupid like “I’m on my period.”

If you have a girlfriend, you WILL become a giant tool. There is no man who can refute this statement because if they try, they are lying. You will say and do things you would have never said or done in order to impress her, like “save the rainforest,” or “you might be hurting someone’s feelings” or “you have to stop hitting that blind kid for trying to sell you melons; he’s an orphan for Christ’s sake,” because you have an echoing crevice between your legs.

You will try to act normal when she’s around in order to convince both yourself and your friends that she’s “just one of the guys.” There is no such thing as a girlfriend who is “one of the guys.” This mystical creature is a mere legend concocted by men who can’t cope with the fact they have become gigantic tools. No man has a girlfriend who’s “just one of the guys” because none of the guys bitch when you change the channel from some lame ass episode of Grey’s Anatomy to watch the Bears game or constantly yammer on and on about how television degrades women or refuse to take off their shirts to gauge outdoor temperature. Also, none of the guys have a crotch that bleeds once a month (read: 24/7) that isn’t a result of hepititis or pubic spiders that causes them to bitch about every single flaw or problem in another friend’s personality. We’re all equally fucked up; it’s just distributed differently among character flaws you self-righteous thunder cunt.

“But what about the positives,” you may ask. Sure, your girlfriend has bigger tits than most of the guys (except for Morbidly Obese Morty) and she touches your dick occasionally, and by occasionally I mean very rarely. I guess you could say having a girlfriend lets you express your feelings but that not only makes you an ass bandit but it’s also a fucking lie. Girlfriends only agree to listen to your problems so they can blackmail you when they dump your sorry ass. So, not only do you not have a girlfriend but you’re still tied to the ball and chain because she knows you stuck cat-nip in your ass as an aphrodisiac.

The worst thing about it all is that the couple in question believes that everyone thinks they’re cute. You’re not. You’re embarrassing to watch. No man wants to see a friend chained by the nuts desperately trying to please your every whim. Also, it’s a pain in the ass trying to do anything when the girlfriend tags along because she’s “not a fan” of strip clubs, movies with explosions and slathering your junk with hot sauce in order to kick stray cats in the nude. Why? Because girlfriends are greedy. They only want what’s best for them in the relationship. Don’t be fooled by the gifts or teases because in the end, you’ll sit and realize that nine months of constant bitching and moaning, nine months of fighting with your friends and nine months of seeing shitty movie after shitty movie after shitty movie was hardly worth the cold hand job or dry beej you got once after you both shared two wine coolers.

If you want to have a girlfriend, fine. There’s nothing wrong with all that touchy-feely, grab-ass bullshit as long as you do it on your own time and in the privacy of your own setting. Either show me a girlfriend who’s tolerable with friends or learn how to fucking balance your relationship with her and your friends (i.e. dump the bitch and find your friends some hookers). But until then, the next time you want to just hang out, leave the bitch at home.

-Real men doused themselves in gasoline to wrestle flaming bears while having rough sex after reading this article.