22 September 2008 - 22:25Save Me, Jebus!

With the stock market bracing to take the Bear Market’s big, furry cock in its collective ass, people have begun to turn to religion for solace. This is bullshit. If they were seeking solace in religion, fine. People cope in different ways: some people pray, some people weep, some people lock themselves in their rooms, swallow two cans of spray cheese and jerk off 3 times in a half hour. However you cope with potential devastation is fine with me, as long as your wash your hands afterward.

But that’s not the case. These business folk aren’t going to church to pray. They’re going to church to revitalize their business habits in the most successful business of all! Religion, specifically, Catholicism!

Think about it. You go into a church, they tell you, “We can save you, but we need you to give us money so we can make this house of worship the best darn house of God on the planet. If you donate, we’ll have a grand organ, an ornate tabernacle and the finest garments our pastors can wear, thus allowing us to worship God to the fullest and save you to the fullest.” You pay the church to look snazzy: gold plated, unicorn-laminated blood alters, French gourmet communion wafers and wine, pews that clean out your asshole when you sit and kneelers so comfortable even the most cock-hungry skanks take time out of their busy day of polishing rod to get on their knees and open wide for the coming of the Lord. Oh and a walkway of chocolate tits to guide you on your path to heaven.

You give them the cash to fund all these endeavors and you can worship and be saved. The church sells a magic fix, the parishioners buy it. They’re invested in the desperation of the people. Simple supply and demand.

Now, with the stock market down, investors and businessmen are flooding the church to get back to the basics: how do we generate profit to placate our need for more money and material things and spur ourselves back onto a monetarily successful path? Of course! The richest, most materialistic business on the face of the planet, 2000 years and running! Church! What are they doing to make all this money? Selling shit people don’t need! Of course! If we invest in the raw emotions of the people, we’ll be fine. You know what’s great for that? Another war! We have to get back to the basics here.

These people will tell you they’re praying to God for guidance and help. Bullshit. They’re studying the most successful business this world has ever seen so they can get back to selling people shit they don’t need. Nothing wrong with studying the greats.

Plus they have to dislodge that gigantic Bear Market’s dick from its ass. Bestilaity is a sin, you know.