23 December 2004 - 0:00Ten reasons not to watch FOX.

FOX sucks hard. Whenever I turn on a TV in my house, I always have the misfortune of passing FOX as I’m looking for something as awesome as me to watch. On a good day, 11/12 of a day’s worth of FOX is worse than having a railroad spike pounded through your scrotum. There are only three shows worth watching on FOX at this point in time, and one of those shows is getting taken off FOX at the end of the season. If I have to explain which three shows those are, go kill yourself. I hate you. There are a myriad of reasons not to watch FOX, but instead of going through every single one, I’m just going through the ones I despise the most.

10) Family Guy and That 70s Show got canceled.

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This season is the last for That 70s Show and after it ends FOX is not going to air the reruns. Why not? Along with the Simpsons and Seinfeld reruns, it was the crux of an otherwise mega suckfest. I always thought the goal of broadcasting was to air the good shows and not air the bad shows. FOX has it backwards in letting That 70s Show go while allowing tragically awful bullshit like The Swan to break into my TV set, slither into my eyes and molest my brain.

I’m not as upset that FOX let Family Guy go primarily because Family Guy did better after FOX canceled it. DVD sales are through the roof for Family Guy, and the slot it has on Adult Swim allows for all the episodes to be shown. FOX did nothing but slow that show down. If the rumors are true and Family Guy resurfaces in 2006, I can only hope FOX doesn’t pick it up and suck it up again.

(Note: I was informed that FOX will indeed pick up Family Guy in the year 2005. It’s about time they took their heads out of their asses. Hopefully they won’t fuck up again, because Family Guy is tits. But don’t be surprised if FOX fucks up something as good as Family Guy. In fact, expect it, because FOX has the uncanny ability to not show the good stuff and show only things unsavory. Anyway, watch Family Guy you slobs.)

9) American Idol

I don’t get it. Thousands of people go to sing and only one wins. The one who wins get a contract to sing cookie cutter shit music and you never hear of them after they win anyway. I watched the end of the second season, and the finalists were some big ass black guy and some skinny little white guy. Before I even heard either of them sing, I could have told you the black guy was going to win because he’s black. If he would have lost, it would have been a racial issue. So he ends up winning and guess what? I haven’t heard anything about him related to his “musical career” since that day he won. I’ve heard that the white fairy kid went on some shows and made some top selling album, but all I heard about the black guy was that he was in the hospital dealing with exhaustion from hauling his fat ass out of bed to walk around a stage for a few hours. The only remotely good thing about the show is listening to the really bad people sing and then making fun of them. Oh wait, that’s not even remotely good, because the show blows llama cock and I make fun of everyone equally on the show.

8) King of the Hill

Contrary to popular belief among Mike Judge, his associates and FOX, a show about a stereotypical hillbilly Texas family doing stereotypical hillbilly things isn’t funny. This show is the reason people blow up buildings with home made bombs and kill babies with a fork. If I lived in Texas, I’d be pretty offended because we all know that not all people in Texas drive pickups, talk like idiots and watch NASCAR. Wait…yes they do. Although King of the Hill may accurately portray the characteristics of white trash, it doesn’t make the show funny. Remember Beavis and Butt-Head? That was funny. Shame on you, Mike Judge, for quitting on Beavis and Butt-Head to make a show about some stupid ass southerner with a narrow urethra. Is that the only joke that show has? Yes. Take it off. It sucks.

7) Anything with Paris Hilton

To all you brain dead fuckers who think Paris Hilton is any of the following: funny, attractive, talented, smart, worthy for sacrifice to any god, slutty, happy, special etc., I want you to leave this page now. You are sloppy. Paris Hilton starred in those terrible shows where her and some other slut drove around the country without money or something. I don’t remember it that well because I was too busy gouging my eyes out with a rusty tack. Paris Hilton is nothing but a spoiled bitch who got a shitty show on a shitty network. She isn’t fit to act, not even in a home filmed porno. That sucked hard. The only thing Paris Hilton is fit for is slaughter. Cut that bitch up and throw her in the slop pile for the swine who love/respect her in any way, shape or form.

6) My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss

You know that phrase “Never judge a book by its cover”? If you hold that as true, either throw it out or don’t watch this show. Actually, just don’t watch this show. No one likes their own boss so why would they want to watch a show about your boss. No one likes big, fat, obnoxious anything all at once so why would they like it all in one boss? Finally, no one likes you so why would they watch your lame ass show? Turn it off and get a job asshole. The whole “reality” show idea has been worn out for a long ass time. Just let it die.

5) Nanny 911

I swear over your faith that if you had been with me the one and only time I watched this show, you would have regretted it. I put a hole in the wall throwing a chair across the room after watching this show. It felt like I had just gotten the seed of Peter North shot in my eye. I’ve talked to people who can safely say that watching Nanny 911 is like taking a solid 6-roper in the eye because that’s all Nanny 911 is: one big, perpetual cumshot in the eye, week after week.

Nanny 911: nothing but nut.

4) The OC

How did a show about a bunch of rich, white assholes bitching and moaning about petty ass nuggets become so popular? I wake up, there’s commercials for it on TV. I go to school, all the girls with personality complexes, fake personalities and no confidence are talking about the OC. Why? Why do you want to watch a show in which a bunch of pretty-boys and skanky Jew-hoes go around bitching and having inadequate sex? Is it because you can relate to the characters lack of personality? Is it because you think that if you watch this show, you might become like these people and end up living happily ever after in the end? Is it because the stories are so “deep” and “heart breaking” that blah blah blah you are a complete idiot? The only way a girl could get me to feign interest concerning what happened on the OC is if she sucked my cock while she did it. “Oh yeah? Then what happened?” “Mmphhm Muuhph” “Swallow it bitch!” *Chokes* “Is that how we’re playing it then?” *Splat* “Ouch, my eye!” “Well, I guess it’s time for me to hit the ol’ dusty trail. Have a good time explaining the OC to the wall, you whore.” Yeah, that would rule…then again she’d have to not be a dog. A lot of haggard girls like to watch the OC, and there ain’t no way my cock’s coming out to play with any bulldog.

I’ve never seen an episode of the OC, but I’ve heard enough about it to give you the plot for every single episode. The main character, Man-bitch #1, has a problem with any or all of the following: his girl, guy cheating on his girl, his menstrual cycle. He goes to his friend, Man-bitch #2 or Woman-bitch #1 and bitches about it. They get into a fight, someone has sex with someone else, vague reference to morals and ethics, the parents of someone fight, more fighting between Man-bitch #1 and Man-bitch #2, which leads Man-bitch #2 to fight with Woman-bitch #1. They fight and the show ends on a boring cliff hanger. I’m ashamed of this show because I don’t think that any amount of lesbians, explosions or exploding lesbians could make this show any more interesting than staring at a wall.

3) Trading Spouses

I had a lot of really good reasons as to why I hated this show, but I forget most of them because of my rage at the other ones. I know I hate this show because it shouldn’t be a show. All you have to do is go outside. People trade spouses everyday, but they don’t get paid 50,000 bones for it. All they get is a divorce, or if they’re really unlucky they get shot. This show says that it’s OK to trade your husband or wife because you’ll get paid for it. No. You’ll just end up losing half your possessions and you will get shot. Fuck this show in the ear.

2) The Swan

When I made this list, I really debated on which aspect of FOX I hated the most. This show was one of the top candidates for number one. But after careful consideration, I decided that this show wasn’t worthy of that spot. Nonetheless, this show pisses me off more than almost anything. This show is more despicable than all but one show on FOX. Why? Because it simply perpetuates the idea that beauty is on the outside, not the inside. I know this is true, but a lot of people who watch this show are the same people who say “It’s not what’s on the outside that counts, it’s what’s on the inside,” or “Never judge a book by it’s cover,” or “Free Tibet,” or some other feel good bullshit that isn’t true.

This show is supposed to be like that fable about the ugly duckling, but instead of an ugly duck becoming beautiful naturally, an ugly chick gets her face cut up until it fits the standard of what’s “beautiful” according to FOX executives and shallow fuckers who are force fed what’s beautiful and what’s not by skanky TV shows and lame ass music videos and sloppy movies. The show begins with some ugly ass skank complaining about how she’s ugly. Then something happens and she’s on an operating table with some doctor carving her up like a Christmas ham. Yeah, most of these girls are hams to begin with anyway. So after that they show the woman in all these bandages and casts. Blood everywhere. Looks hideous. Then there’s some twist, like they fucked up her nose or something, so they cut off some more fat or something and then she’s beautiful. What the fuck?

I don’t even know where to begin. The people who watch this show must be masochists, because all this show is about is the torture of humans for social acceptance. The basis of the show is, “You don’t fit the image of beauty, so we’re going to cut you up until you do.” Because as we all know, there’s now a universal standard determining what’s beautiful and what isn’t. Dumbasses. There’s also a lot of blood and shit, but I think anyone can agree that blood is best viewed splattered on a wall or in a pool around a zombie’s head…not on a scalpel..unless that scalpel is used to stab feminist zombies.

Here in Chicago, there was this thing about violent video games causing problems with kids. They wanted to not allow kids to buy video games with a mature rating because these games, “Give kids the idea that it’s OK to commit crime and think….life has a reset button.” All right, so these video games are impressing upon kids that something might not be right, but shows like the Swan aren’t? Look, I don’t like kids, but I don’t like hypocrites even more. If you’re going to impede upon a someone’s right to shoot to kill in a game, you gotta get rid of shows like the Swan because all that show is doing is telling kids “If you don’t look a certain way, people won’t like you.” This, according to these assholes who say video games are the reason kids shoot other kids, will make a kid sad, and they will get depressed. Oh boo hoo, I’m not like everyone else. I’m going to go listen to my emo and be an outsider. That’s the last thing we need: more whiny kids complaining about how they are outsiders. No you aren’t, you’re just a whiner. Get over it. See? The Swan pisses me off in so many different aspects, be it their supposed universal standard of what is good or be it their causing kids to bitch about shit. Don’t tell me video games and shit like that are ruining a generation. It’s bullshit like the Swan that ruins a generation. Those skanks…thinking they’re so good looking…you won’t be so good looking when your jowls sag and I shove my fist through your face. Don’t watch the Swan. It’s twice as bad as cancer and three times worse than a Hitler/Tojo hybrid.

1) Bill O’Reilly and the Fox News Gestapo

Need I say more? Bill O’Reilly is a narcissist, a hack, a hypocrite, a spaz, a bastard, a sock sniffer, a rapist, a pervert, a bad writer and most of all an ineffective reporter. I know everyone has their bias, but Bill O’reilly is so biased that it makes his reporting ineffective and turns it into a bullshit parade. It’s the same with all of the FOX News crew. O’Reilly is their Hitler and the rest of crew are part of his Gestapo. If you disagree, you’re wrong and will be labeled unpatriotic. Who does he think he is? Me? I could go on forever on how I hate him, but Maddox has already taken the liberty of doing so.

I’m done here. The moral of this story: if you watch FOX, you suck. If you like any of these shows, leave this place now. To all those at FOX, suck my hairy ass.

-Hookers agree: watching FOX is worse than getting a six-roper in the eye.

Note: * = taken from The Drunken Clam.com