2 January 2005 - 0:00The 2004 Rigolega awards.

There were a lot of terrible things that happened in 2004 and some good things that happened. I’m going to give out just a few of the Rigolega awards for a few things I deem to be either awesome or shit. Sit back, relax, and agree or you are wrong.

Biggest hypocrite of 2004: Bill O’Reilly

Ah, Blubbering Bill. How does it feel to preach your “fair and balanced” opinions and then go and do something unfair and unbalanced to your wife? You bastard. Your creepy phone sex with a younger subordinate is wrong for the three following reasons: 1) It goes against what you preach you hypocrite. Lest I’m mistaken, you’re always hinting at the idea that casual sex is wrong. 2) You’re married. Through sickness and health blah blah blah. Not only are you going against what you preach, you’re also lying to your wife, breaking a vow. 3) You’re Bill O’Reilly. You’re old, you’re obnoxious, you’re creepy. You’re balding. You’re unappealing. You force phone sex on women. The list goes on and on. For these reasons and more, you win Rigolega’s biggest hypocrite of 2004 award. (Runner-up: Bono)

Worst reality show of 2004: Nanny 911

Let’s not kid ourselves. All reality shows suck. Nanny 911 takes the award only because I actually watched an entire episode of it and ended up having to patch a hole I put in my wall. Thanks for raping me of 30 minutes of my life. (Runners-up: The Swan, Survivor, The Real World etc., etc., etc.)

Worst tsunami occurrence of 2004: Sri Lanka/Thailand

Why can’t a tsunami hit Paris Hilton? Or FOX executives? Or whiny teenagers who bitch about being depressed because someone doesn’t like them? I’d rather see a tsumani kill 120,000+ teenagers who bitch about what they think is love and heartbreak and post it on Xanga because they think their life is the worst and that no one on earth can possibly be worse off than they are than hear about a tsunami that killed all those people in Sri Lanka and the surrounding islands. Fuck, that tsunami killed all those people but failed to directly kill a single wild or endangered animal. What a terrible tsunami. It was the worst of 2004 in Rigolega’s scope. (Runners-up: any other tsunamis that failed to kill animals, Paris Hilton, teens who bitch about their lives or more than 120,000 people)

Best band of 2004: Sky Naked

Any band with Justin, Bob, and me is the best. If you don’t know who or what I’m talking about, die. Or find out. Either one. (Runners-up: None)

Worst movie I saw in 2004: Mr. 3000

Worst movie I didn’t see in 2004: Fahrenheit 911.

I didn’t see it, and I don’t want to see it. I didn’t have a problem with any of Michael Moore’s other movies. Bowling for Columbine wasn’t terrible, but Fahrenheit 911 sucked solely on the basis that it didn’t need to be made. Why make a movie about how George W. Bush is an idiot? He does a great job of proving that himself. I don’t need some loud mouthed asshole telling me that. On top of that, he had the gall to say he wasn’t making this movie to get more Kerry voters. I guess it was just coincidence that the movie premiered just a few months before the election and that most reviews of the movie reported that everything in it screamed “Don’t vote for Bush/Republicans.” Anyone who saw this movie should be insulted. Michael Moore made a movie that tells the American public “George W. Bush is an idiot” and called it a political documentary. He then proceeded to rake in the profits from dumbasses who need to have their political opinions formed by ONE movie consisting of a fat asshole with a camera, a title declaring it to be a political documentary (so it must all be true right?) and an award from France. He should be charged with extortion for making this movie. How the fuck did he get away with making a movie about how dumb Bush is? That’s like making a movie about how everyone needs air or how awesome buffalo jerky is. You shouldn’t have to see a movie to know any of those things; they should be understood.

Best movie of 2004: Team America: World Police

A movie about a team of police that protects the world starring puppets. Includes the following: stereotyping, foul language, explosions, satire, puppet sex. Matt Stone and Trey Parker can make anything funny. Period. (Runners-up: Backdoor Beauties volumes I-IX)

Best movie I saw in 2004: Bad(der) Santa

If this movie had been made in 2004, or had this site been around when it originally came out, this movie would have won Rigolega’s best movie of the year award hands down. There is nothing like an alcoholic asshole dressing up like Santa and being a complete dick to any and all of the following: Women, children, the elderly, midgets, people of color, people not of color, people in general for money, booze and sex. Not to mention Billy Bob Thorton beating the shit out of a “punk rock” teenager while wearing the Santa outfit. If you haven’t seen it, see it or get bent.

Best webpage of 2004: Rigolega

Before you can say, “But Rigolega, what about Maddox?” go to the front page of this site and read what I wrote right under the title. Anything and everything I say is right. If you disagree, you are wrong. The same thing goes when you’re on Maddox’s site. “Does this mean your site is better than Maddox’s, Rigolega?” Yes. “But Maddox says his site is the best and if we disagree with him we are wrong. Wouldn’t that mean his is the best?” Yes. “So whose site is the best: Rigolega’s or Maddox’s?” Yes. Do I have to spoon feed this to you idiots? When you are here, I am always right. When you are at Maddox’s site, he is always right. Unless you can somehow defy the laws of physics (which is impossible because only you aren’t Rigolega), you can’t be at two places at any one given moment. Dumbass.

That’s it. I’m tired of this. The one thing everyone can agree on for 2004 is that people don’t think Rigolega is incomprehensibly awesome. They know Rigolega is incomprehensibly awesome.

-People know Rigolega is awesome but cannot comprehend the degree of awesomeness.