5 July 2007 - 0:00The Fourth of July: Man’s greatest invention.

(Note: Before I begin, I’m going to share with you a little known fact: in terms of sex and baseball, anal is a triple, vaginal is a home run. A number of players hit 30-40 home runs in a year but it takes someone quick and with the ability to put the balls in just the right spot and grind around the dirt path to chalk up even one triple a year. And, in the end though triples are fun to watch and talk about, a home run is a guaranteed run; you can get shat on hitting a triple if you never come in to score.)

Independence Day is the greatest day ever. A day when every red, white and blue blooded American sits around in his backyard, consuming large amounts of meat, alcohol and tobacco, all while blowing things up in honor of our forefathers who freed us from the drab tea drinking British rule hundreds of years ago. More than simply an American holiday and institution, the Fourth of July is the best holiday ever, for the following reasons.

It’s hot outside: Hot weather is awesome. It means scantly clad hot chicks walking around with no shame. It often translates to hoses being used to cool off the aforementioned hot chicks which turns dry hot chicks to soaking wet hot chicks, mostly wearing white bikinis and feeding me grapes. And nothing says America like glistening fake tits in front of an American flag. It makes me proud to be an American. Hand me the KY, I’m about to hit a triple.

Alcohol consumption on a weekday: If you’ve ever needed an excuse to drink on a Wednesday without being considered a drunk (because alcoholics go to meetings and really, who has time for meetings when there’s drinking to do?), raise your beer can to the likes of George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. They fought hard and thought diligently for your freedom. Actually, raise your beer can for every founding father who signed that Declaration of Independence. Yep, all 56 of them. Come on you pussy, you still need to drink one for Washington. I don’t care that he didn’t sign the Declaration, he led the army to victory! And he was the first President! He had a brain for his heart and two sets of testicles! Drink two for him! If you’re still conscious after that, proudly pump your fists; you’re a real American.

Tobacco is prevalently used: The Fourth gives everyone a chance to relax with a fine American tradition: tobacco. Be it cigarette, cigar or straight chewing tobacco, it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy a fine American staple crop like tobacco along with some corn mash bourbon. Unless you’re a pussy and bitch about smoking and drinking. Back when this country was founded, men were men and didn’t whine and bitch about things like how tobacco kills people. These days, lots of people complain that tobacco is bad for you. Actually, it has been proven that tobacco is awesome and only crybaby bitches disagree. George Washington loved snuff and he led America to victory in the Revolution; FDR smoked like a chimney and led America to victory in WWII; try and say that doesn’t fuck some big titties. You can’t. Unless you’re a pinko. So even if you don’t normally use tobacco, show your support for this great nation and have a smoke, or at least stop bitching about how smokers are killing themselves. They know and they don’t give a fuck.

There are explosions: The Fourth is the one day where it’s not only socially acceptable but also expected that shit will blow up. Explosions rock. Be they M-80s going off in a garbage can (bonus point if there’s a bum living there) or straight up fireworks (double bonus points hot embers get in the eyes of America hating hippies), explosions are a trademark of American celebration. Combine this with the fact that there are always tits on the Fourth and children are doubtlessly harmed or at least put in their place by veterans and/or drunk fathers/grandfathers, the Fourth of July would definitely be the greatest movie ever.

No gift giving: Though a holiday, no one has to get gifts for anyone on the Fourth. So it’s got all the festivities of Christmas, Thanksgiving or a hated family member’s funeral without all the touchy bullshit that comes along with most holidays. Shit, the only gift that might get given on the Fourth is a dick in the ass of some hot drunk chick…and that’s a gift that keeps on giving until she can’t handle it anymore. This is a great perk. The Fourth is like marrying a hot mute woman: all the good looks, none of the bitching.

Meat is consumed in gluttonous proportions: Animals: good for petting even better for eating. What better way to celebrate being a red blooded American than by eating a vast amount of red meat? Steak, burgers, dogs, ribs, all excellent appetizers. But nothing beats killing a live boar with your bare hands and eating it raw, like a real American. Except the fact that Joey Chestnut made Kobayashi his bitch this year in Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest! What a fucking bad ass! USA! USA!

The Fourth of July is fucking amazing. It has everything: explosions, tits, red meat, alcohol, tobacco and unrelenting pride. Holy shit, the Fourth of July is practically a porno. All I can say is take me America. Take me to your fertile plain and mountains’ majesty. And back me up when the police ask why I’m caught having sex with your fertile plain. The police never understand when I explain it as till the valley of the only woman I love and say “fucking a hole in the ground” is inexcusable.

-America is the fucking tits.